Jimn Kyles

Unstuck & Unstoppable

021: Three Things All Healthy Relationships Have

Part of becoming UNSTOPPABLE is having relationships that enrich our lives. Last week we talked about the importance of relationships, this week we are going to learn how to maintain authentic relationships.

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Jolea Garza 0:05
Three, two.

Jimn Kyles 0:08
Welcome to the unstuck and unstoppable podcast where we help you move your life forward. If you’ve ever wondered what it takes to build and cultivate healthy relationships, you’re listening and watching the right episode of our podcast. today. My name is Jimn Kyles. I’m your host, here with Jolea Garza

Jolea Garza 0:26
Hey, hey, yeah,

Jimn Kyles 0:27
so good to see ya, especially

Jolea Garza 0:28
coming off of last week. Yeah, we talked about the power of how important these relationships are.

Jimn Kyles 0:35
I’m excited about today, I really think if you’re tuning in, we’re going to create some value and add some value to your life, which is our goal. If you’re brand new to the podcast, welcome. So thrilled to have you whether you’re listening through the place where you consume content, or you’re watching on YouTube, we’re so delighted to have you join us. It’s always our privilege, we work really hard to come every week with great content. Absolutely. And the goal of the podcast is just to help you move your life forward. And so there’s different topics, we talked about content in my book. Yeah. Which if you want to order, you can go to amazon.com right now and order your copy of my new book, unstuck and unstoppable. So we’re super excited about that. But otherwise, you could continue to tune in here. And we’re going to give you bite sized nuggets of truth that are going to help you move your life forward about 20 to 25 minutes. And we always want to give you something that will help you just advance your life, move it forward. And hey, I think we have a review. I want to say thank you to those of you that are reviewing us and rating us on wherever it is that you consume your content that we get a great

Jolea Garza 1:40
review on Apple podcasts. I thought this was so cool. Mike C Dallas said, I am on Episode Seven right now. And I’ve already had breakthrough. This podcast is a must listen for anyone feeling stuck. I was like, that’s the goal. So I love that

Jimn Kyles 1:55
Mike said that. Yeah. Thanks, Mike, we appreciate you reviewing the podcast. If you’re listening, if you do that for us, we would love it, it would it would help us it continues to help increase the ranking and exposes it to people absolutely that we believe we can help them get unstuck. Now today, we’re talking about healthy friendships.

Jolea Garza 2:13
Yes, it’s so important. So like I said it last week, we talked about the importance of relationships. And I think not only have we maybe not understood the importance of of real, authentic relationships, but then also once you do understand it, the question is, how do you maintain those relationships?

Jimn Kyles 2:30
Well, and even recognizing what is a healthy relationship, you know, because some some people, you just you’ve been exposed to nothing but toxic relationships, and that becomes normal. And just because it’s normal doesn’t mean it’s healthy. That’s great. So we want healthy friendships. And then as an adult, I love the fact that I get to choose, you know, as a kid, as a teenager, I don’t really get to choose necessarily, who’s in my life, right? I go to school, well, who’s in my classroom, I don’t get to choose that my family is my family might be good to choose. Yeah. But as an adult, I can now limit access to people that are toxic, and say, Hey, I’m going to invest my life into people that are healthy. And so absolutely, when we define healthy friendships, we’re really talking about friendships where both people’s lives are improved and better. Because of the other person. Yeah. You know, have you ever been in a relationship where your friend’s life has improved? Because they like I know. They’re like, they love me. Yeah, you’re

Jolea Garza 3:30
great. Yeah, it’s because you’re always

Jimn Kyles 3:33
the one who you’re constantly giving showing up. And then when you need something that’s like, what the ghosts me. Yeah.

Jolea Garza 3:41
I think about that scripture. iron sharpens iron. And I wonder if sometimes friendships, or our definition of friendship is either one sided or maybe nobody’s improving at all. But friendships mean that both iron sharpening iron, we’re both better. Everybody’s getting better, you know, not just one person or not nobody? That’s

Jimn Kyles 4:00
right. Yeah. Well, and sometimes when you’re not healthy individually, as an individual, you will allow an unhealthy relationship because you’re codependent it’s right? You you like the fact that people need Yes, but then you never let anyone else be there for you. Yeah, exactly. You know, so the vulnerability of cancer, that’s what a relationship is. There’s got to be the vulnerability and we’ll talk a little bit about that.

Jolea Garza 4:21
Or you need need need. Don’t have an opening for other people to need you.

Jimn Kyles 4:28
That’s so good. Well, and healthy friendships are really based on mutual respect. Come on. Honesty, how important it support Yeah, you know, so the all those components are in there. It’s the men we’re going to respect each other as a mutual respect. Yeah, we’re going to be honest with one another, we’re going to support one another. Great friendships help each other with problems.

Jolea Garza 4:47

Jimn Kyles 4:48
you know, it’s fine. You got a problem. I’m here for you, right. I got a problem. You know, you’re here for me, right?

Jolea Garza 4:53
And we say like, do life together is not you know, go into the zoo and go into the mall. But tiling real life doing life together as Hey, I got a hiccup so I need friends that are gonna breathe into the hard moments. That’s

Jimn Kyles 5:07
exactly right. Yeah, well and another thing is real friendships celebrate one another. Celebration is one of the most underrated things I believe in a relationship because if you don’t have a real friendship, sometimes you it’s like if you celebrate they feel like you’re being prideful. Or if someone celebrates with you and you’re like, oh, they just bragging. Yeah, no real friendship has an authentic celebration. I was with a friend just the other day and I said, Brother, you better text me. Yeah, and celebrate because I want to be that friend that shouts it from the rooftop. You know, I’m be like, come on somebody biggest

Jolea Garza 5:42
cheerleader. Fan. The Champ no insecurity. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. It

Jimn Kyles 5:47
doesn’t matter where we’re at. Because I got contemporaries. I pastor a great church I contemporary, some are ahead of me. Some are behind me, right. And so the ones that ahead of you get nervous to celebrate if it’s not authentic, because they feel like well, I’m just bragging and the ones behind you. It’s hard to celebrate with them because you feel like they won’t feel good enough, right? But then when you’re real secure in your friendship, you’re like, we will celebrate at all levels, you know, and that way, it’s like, wow, I don’t care if you’re ahead or behind. We will really celebrate what God has and will. And

Jolea Garza 6:15
that also means that they have to be aware of what a win is for you. And so real friendship means like you celebrate because you understand men, they have made great strides, you know, what’s happened in their lives, you know, the mountains, that sort of slayed, because you’re really actively involved in their lives. Yeah,

Jimn Kyles 6:32
even well, even I was thinking about, you know, the working mom, you know, celebrating things that happen in their kid’s life with their friends, their family, you know, so it’s not limited to a career, but it’s personal man, you ought to man I had a breakthrough in my marriage.

Jolea Garza 6:45
I potty train. Trey’s God, you know, that’s.

Jimn Kyles 6:52
Yeah, that’s great. Yeah. And then real, healthy friendships help you grow even as a person. And then they bring both love and care. Yes. So I’m growing. I’m better because of you. And there, there is this unconditional love. Yeah. And then you just genuinely care for me. Absolutely. You know, I just want a friend that cares for me that says, Hey, man, how can I? How can I pray for you? Just I just love you. And yeah, I want to be around someone that when I come into the room, and they’re there, their face lights up? Yeah. You know, you got those friends where you walk in the room and their face on lights up. It’s ours.

Jolea Garza 7:30
And even love, like unconditional love. Like, man, I can mess up. I know that I can make a mistake. And that friend, you know, is not going to validate. Oh, hey, you did a great job. But they’ll still say I know that that was a mistake. But I still love you. And I see you and I throw in you and care about you. That’s right.

Jimn Kyles 7:47
Yeah. Well, we’re gonna talk we got three things that all healthy relationships have. Yep. Now there are other things. But we just decided here’s here’s three things.

Jolea Garza 7:55
Yeah. And it’s so just to say to like, we talked about that, I think last week was so eye opening the amount of people that barely even have 1 to 3 close relationships. So when you evaluate people really maybe don’t know, you don’t know, what does it take to have a friendship at all. But then what does it take to maintain a healthy relationship, maintain healthy friendship? And so we have those three things that’ll at least help you start give you some guardrails, some guidelines, you can start to follow to

Jimn Kyles 8:24
build these relationships. All right, yeah, go ahead. What’s the first one? Yeah,

Jolea Garza 8:27
so this is a great one. This is a big one. All real health. Healthy Relationships have deposits and withdrawals, deposits, deposits

Jimn Kyles 8:35
or withdrawals. So we’re talking about emotional deposits. We’re talking about relational deposits of motional. withdrawals. Yeah, let’s talk about that. So you’re

Jolea Garza 8:43
so you’re investing. So it’s just like going to a bank? can’t withdraw from a bank, if there’s nothing in the bank.

Jimn Kyles 8:51
So in other words, is relational bank account? Yes. And so we’ll be looking at our relational our relationships and saying, Hey, there’s a bank account in this relationship. I’ve got to make deposits. Absolutely. Before I take withdrawals.

Jolea Garza 9:04
Absolutely. So you just know, like every person has a relational bank. Yep. Every single person that you meet, yeah. And so real relationships, healthy relationships require that you do both. Every person needs both deposits and withdrawals. And it goes both ways. It’s

Jimn Kyles 9:20
good. Yeah. And relationships are really not 5050 or 100% percent. Yeah. Because if it’s 5050, you’ll start doing tit for tat. It’s like, Hey, you. Yeah, we don’t keep scores. Yeah, exactly. We’re just we’re constantly given 100% And if it’s a healthy relationship, there’s a reciprocation. Exactly.

Jolea Garza 9:39
So there so let’s talk about deposits. And so deposits are easy, they’re fun, you know, we talk about deposits a lot. A couple of them or you show up for big days and bad days. Which means man on your biggest day on that graduation day on that kid’s you know, best game, you know, on on your wedding day, you’re the dude Are those are the big days and on, on the days where you’ve lost a family member on the days where maybe you’ve lost a job, maybe you’re going through some of the hardest moments of your life. That’s the friend that shows up. You’re the friend that shows up on the big days and the bad days.

Jimn Kyles 10:14
And it’s not just the big days, bad days, you know, deposits happened through texts. Yes. Calls? You know, just showing up at someone’s house. Yeah. Gifts. Yeah.

Jolea Garza 10:23
being available and available. Yeah. Are you available? When your friend reaches out? Maybe it’s not quick, right? And maybe they just want to check in on you. And are you available to receive that check in? Are you checking in, right at the posit, sometimes it’s just hey, I was thinking about you. And I just wanted you know, I love you miss you. Or, Hey, let’s go grab lunch, you know, in taking that time, and then give some resources to so. So you know, maybe a gift, Oh, I saw this at the store. And I was thinking about you and I grabbed it for you. Or it’s Hey, I just read this great book, or, Hey, I’m listening to this podcast. And I know, last week you were sharing about your marriage. And I just wanted to share this podcast with you. It really helped me I thought it would help you

Jimn Kyles 11:01
too. Oh, that’s great. Now withdrawals? Let’s talk about withdrawals. Yes.

Jolea Garza 11:04
And so withdrawals, you know, you have to know what a withdrawal looks like. withdrawals are really when you are requesting or needing help from a friend. And I think a lot of times people experience one of these more than the other, you know, either on on one or the other. So are you the person who is always calling like, Hey, I take her, Hey, I, I’m hurting her, Hey, I had this bad experience. And you’re you’re always and if you look and look and realize maybe my friend is not calling me sharing their battles,

Jimn Kyles 11:35
maybe you’re the one that might be a little more healthy, right?

Jolea Garza 11:37
Maybe you’re taking and withdrawing a lot from the relationship. So it’s, it’s all of the emotional needs. It’s all the times where you need somebody to show up for you. And so in healthy situations where, hey, I’m making deposits, and we just have a really well rounded friendship. We’re making deposits and withdrawals. Then a great example of a withdrawal is hey, I’m running late. I really needed to pick up the kids. I know you sometimes I will carpool can you go grip grab my kids, would you be right? And so that’s a withdrawal. But But when done and health, then it’s not a big deal. Yeah,

Jimn Kyles 12:08
I’m here for Yeah, it wasn’t I was thinking about someone who may have just realized I might be the taker, I might be the one that does lots of withdrawals with no, it’s an easy fix, right? Once you recognize it, now you just make a conscious effort that I am going to start making more deposits. And then what will happen is that you’ll find that it doesn’t take a lot to fill up that bank account. It’s really not. Yeah, especially today where we talked about it last week, people are so digitally connected. Yeah, but they’re not relationally. You know, connected. It’s like we’ve got no relational intimacy, when you start to make some deposits, people notice, yes.

Jolea Garza 12:47
Wow, it’s great. All you have to do is ask the question, How can I be a better friend to you? Wow,

Jimn Kyles 12:53
how simple what can

Jolea Garza 12:55
I do? So maybe you’re

Jimn Kyles 12:57
ready to you know

Jolea Garza 12:58
what, I actually needed this, this and this,

Jimn Kyles 13:00
I’m waiting for you to ask

Jolea Garza 13:02
even that question in and of itself is a great deposit. But but when you have deposits when you make withdrawals, like there’s, they’re also the people that I think about that make a lot of deposits, and they give, give, give, and then you know, they’re the ones that I speak probably from experience of like, they’re in their rooms, like nobody cares about me and nobody, you know, ever asked what I think. But there are times where you have to reach out and say, like, I need to make a withdrawal, right? Like, hey, I need, you know, some advice I need you to, to breathe into this area of my life. And so some people don’t make enough withdrawals don’t reach out enough. And so it is necessary. And then withdrawals are also where it leaves room for miscommunications and Miss expectations in relationships, like, hey, there was one withdrawal because, you know, hey, we said we were going to meet here at this time and and you were running late and that, that upset me, but it’s okay, because we have a good healthy friendship. That’s great.

Jimn Kyles 13:57
Yeah. The second thing is honesty. Yeah, real friends tell the truth. There’s got to just be a real honesty in the friendship and agreement does not always mean improvement. Yeah, talk about that.

Jolea Garza 14:10
Yeah. So it’s so interesting, but I don’t know if you’ve ever had a friendship where you’re calling and you’re like, hey, you know, I’m thinking about doing this, this and this and like, Yeah, that’s great. Okay, you know, like, I’m not to travel cross country, and I’m not gonna pack anything. And I’m like, Yeah, that sounds good. You know, and so. So I think that that’s sometimes how we do friendships because

Jimn Kyles 14:33
you don’t want to be easy or

Jolea Garza 14:36
you don’t want Yeah, you don’t want to disagree on every single

Jimn Kyles 14:39
one. But a real friend would say, hey, that may not be a great idea.

Jolea Garza 14:42
Right? Right. There’s there’s honesty. And not to say sometimes your way is not the best way. And so I think when it comes to being honest with friends and actually sharing real advice, giving real guidance telling your real opinion, there are times do that immediately when they’re like hey, I’m about to go do this and you’re like, oh, wait, just pause. Maybe not the best. But there are other times where somebody might reach out for advice. And the easier thing to do would just be like, oh, yeah, I think that’s great. Or oh, yeah, you know, go ahead and do that. Or tell me what you decide, versus saying, hey, I really want to take time and think about what you told me. Let me take some time to maybe pray about it. Let me seek some guidance on what I would do. And then I’m going to, I’ll give you my thoughts on that. And allow, you know, moments where you really are investing in your friend investing in that friendship and breathing into them and giving them real honest advice. Yeah,

Jimn Kyles 15:34
that’s great. Well, it really even here’s something as a friend, you’ve got to know when they’re asking you to speak and when they’re asking you to listen. Yeah. So sometimes I’ll say, Hey, are you wanting me to listen? Or do you want me to speak into this? And sometimes it’s like, Hey, I’ve already made my mind. Listen, I want to vent. I want to tell you what I’m doing. And it’s like, hey, that’s, that’s what a friend’s for right? And then sometimes they’re like, No, I’m really I’m open. Yeah. And then that’s where you get to speak. And we speak sometimes into situations where people are not open to hearing. And that’s, that’s just not the right thing to do, either. Sometimes, it’s just, and men do that a lot, too. Especially with our wives. Oh, here’s a Tasha. Here’s the solution. Here’s like,

Jolea Garza 16:15
I don’t want this unready

Jimn Kyles 16:19
is wrong? Yeah. And Phyllis is like, I just want you to listen, I don’t need you fix it. Yeah. So I think that’s some something great and the honesty, really, when we speak, it ought to be truth in love. Yes. And so there’s a different heart when you just come blazing out? Versus this heart of love, like, man, I’ve genuinely want you to win. Yeah. And so can I share something with you that maybe you’re not aware of? And when you come at it, like I know your heart, but this is how what you did was experience, right? You know, maybe you said this, and I know that’s not your heart. That’s why I wanted you to know, because it came across like x, y, z, then the truth and love is palatable. It’s like, Man, I can take it. Because you know, a friend loves me and want me to do better,

Jolea Garza 17:02
right? Yeah, that is super important. They have to be aware of how much you love them. That’s where the deposits and withdrawals come in. When you’ve made enough deposits, you’ve also given yourself enough relational equity, to be honest, because they know man, this person cares about me, they love me, they don’t want to see me fail, they’re going to give me even advice that would just benefit them, they’re going to give me advice, that’s really going to help me and it allows them to be more open and

Jimn Kyles 17:29
receptive. Well, and even with honesty, let me just give you this if you’re developing and cultivating a friendship that you believe is a healthy friendship. You know, when we talk about honesty, I always would start in layers of honesty for you and transparency and intimacy. Because it’s one of those things, if you dive deep right at the very beginning, it’s too much too fast, too quick, what I’ve learned in a relationship, and I’ve got some great, long lasting relationships, and then I’ve got some great new friendships that I’m testing the boundaries of the health of the relationship is that I am transparent and open and honest with you about something I’m going through. And a real healthy relationship will reciprocate that level of intimacy and honesty with me. So if you’re open and honest about something and that reciprocation is not done, it may not be time to go deeper in the transparency and honesty in that relationship, because it’s always reciprocate. And then what you’ll find is, you’re going deeper in layers together. Yes. Otherwise, what you’ll be you could be faced with is, you’ve gone deep and the other person stayed shallow. You felt like it was a great healthy relationship, but they never shared anything about themselves. Oh, yeah, definitely. You know what I’m talking? Yeah. So I just was thinking about that in as you’re going into? Just take it on the layers.

Jolea Garza 18:46
Yeah. And I think that that’s a great note to ask yourself, not only are you are you giving honest advice, but Are you honest about who you are, with, with your friends, like, Are you open, it’s

Jimn Kyles 18:56
easy to be honest about you’re definitely, but then you’re separate. So if someone is open and honest with you, now you reciprocate and give a layer of your intimacy and vulnerability. Yeah. And then as you do that, both people will go deeper and deeper in the relationship and

Jolea Garza 19:14
honesty and covering one last thing on that honesty really has to be you know, there are there are layers. So you have to ask questions before you can just give advice, you need to ask more questions, right, fully understand who that person is, where they’re coming from, why they’ve done that what’s happened to them in the past? You know, before just saying, I don’t know, I don’t know why you reacted like that. Or, you know, maybe they have triggers. And so as you’re, as you’re a good friend, you’ll you won’t just say, well, you reacted wrong to that. But hey, maybe I remember you told me about that one moment in your childhood and this sounds very similar to what you just experienced. I wonder if that contributed so

Jimn Kyles 19:52
good. Well, the third thing we’ll end with this one is covering Yeah. And when we talk about real covering, it’s really the fun fact that real friends protect one another is so important in a day and age, when people are outside of the room and the conversation, you don’t see a lot of protection. Yeah, people get thrown under the bus. It’s like, oh, yeah, I wouldn’t have done it like that either. You’re you’re supposed to be friends with that person, and you’re talking behind their back. And so real friends don’t do that roof cover.

Jolea Garza 20:19
I think people have been burned a lot. You know, I think a lot of people have experienced this, where they find out oh, this person has gossiped about me, or they, you know, I trusted this person, and they did me wrong. And so I think we have to be intentional about covering, and then looking for friends that cover us. And so that means there’s not gossip when I when I tell you something I trust and I know that I know that I know that unless I am in harm or danger. What I tell you is not going outside of of our conversation,

Jimn Kyles 20:49
when that’s even the layered approach, you know, as you reveal things about yourself testing the trustworthiness of people and, you know, just so here’s what we know. We can’t make other people do what’s right. But we can be good. Yes, we can be a great friend, we can say we’re going to cover I’m gonna keep my mouth closed. I’m not going to talk. Because the truth is gossip is fun. Yeah. You know, and that’s why in the, in the moment, you know, the Bible says gossips, like chores, choice morsels. Yeah, no. And so it’s like, it’s fun to say the inside scoop about people if you’re the one gossiping, but it’s terrible, right? When you’re the one being gossiped about, absolutely, you know, and it’s that insecurity of trying to win the approval of others that will cause you to tell things that you shouldn’t say yes,

Jolea Garza 21:32
yeah. And we always say trust is built in called Small kept promises, right? And so so every time you don’t say something every time they’re like, man, you know, I expressed this but the moment they hear somebody else telling them about something they heard, you know, that you said it, you’re just eroding trust, you’re hurting people, you know, unintentionally, or intentionally.

Jimn Kyles 21:52
And we just covered here when I love with First Peter, chapter four, verse a, it’s one of my favorite verses above all love each other deeply. Because love covers a multitude of sounds. So it’s like, man, we’re just gonna cover we don’t expose we’ll cover with an initiative. They’re struggling to some something happens. We’re gonna go to him. Copper you, how can we restore you? How can we help you? Man? I’m here for you. Yes. And that’s really the goal is that each and every one of us would be a great friend, a healthy friend and then find healthy friendships. Yeah. And again, you don’t have to have 10 or 20. Right? We’re looking for a handful. Yeah, so be intentional on building, I’d say five friends, I had at least five friends that you got healthy friendships with and you’re cultivating with that person. And then you’re just learning. I think, for me, you want to have friends be a good friend. No ABS part of it is if I’m a good friend, yeah, people are gonna want to be my friend. Yeah.

Jolea Garza 22:47
And I’ve had to do a lot of heart. I mean, you know, especially as a three and a performer, we’re very much like, very surface, I just gotta get it done. And so it does take a lot of work to be intentional about becoming a good friend and then finding people that reciprocate. That’s

Jimn Kyles 23:01
so good. Well, I hope it’s helped you today to build healthy relationships. Now, I want to invite you, as we close this podcast, to take advantage of some of the free resources that we put together to help you, the listener of our podcast, we want to come alongside of you and help you get unstuck become unstoppable. We’ve made it super simple. If you’ll go into the information in the podcast, right here into the show notes, or what did you call it, the description, notes. Description, we actually have a link that you can click on and you can sign up for our email, email newsletter. And if you’ll sign up for the email newsletter, what I’m gonna do is I’m gonna send you the first three chapters of my book, unstuck and unstoppable, immediately. So as soon as you sign up, they’ll come straight to your email inbox. We’re also going to give you three resources that we’ve developed. Their ebooks, one is called Help, I’m stuck. It’s gonna help you identify why you’re stuck and give you a few tools to get unstuck. The other one is life’s battles, Battlefield, we’re gonna talk about the power of thoughts. Yeah. And then the other one is living with purpose, how do I uncover my purpose? Those are three great ebook resources we created just for you. And we’ll send them immediately into your inbox all for signing up for the email newsletter. And just know that here at the podcast, we’re here to resource you. Our greatest win is that you get unstuck. You become unstoppable. You move your life forward. And so I want to encourage you just go down into the link into the description, click on it. We’ll send it immediately into your email inbox. You can also go the website Jimn kyles.com. You can sign up that way as well. And then don’t forget to buy the book, unstuck and unstoppable. It’s available right now. We’d love to help you get unstuck and become unstoppable. I can’t wait to see you next week. Keep moving your life forward. Hope you stay unstoppable. Bye bye

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