Jimn Kyles

Unstuck & Unstoppable

012: A Conversation About Relationships w/ Jimn and Phyllis Kyles

Relationships are complicated and in this BONUS episode, Pastor Jimn and his wife Pastor Phyllis share advice for married couples as well as for those who are single and dating. They answer questions ranging from how they keep the spark alive and how to have a fair fight. They also share the best marriage advice they’ve received.

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Jimn Kyles 0:00
Welcome to the unstuck and unstoppable podcast where we help you move your life forward. We’re excited about today, today is a bonus episode. Yay. And so if you’re joining us, we’re thrilled to have you here with us. Our whole goal and mission for this podcast is to help you get unstuck, then become unstuck. And today, I’m super involved. You and I get the privilege to pastor a church. You are the executive pastor. I’m the lead pastor. I co pastor with my wife, Phyllis. Yeah. And you have been like a spiritual daughter to us for almost 10 years.

Jolea Garza 0:37
Almost 10 years a decade. Oh, my goodness. Yes. Yeah.

Jimn Kyles 0:41
We’ve been through a lot of things together. Yep. And you and I get the privilege of doing the podcast if you’re been here for a while. Jolea is my co host. But she recently you interviewed us. Yeah,

Jolea Garza 0:51
we had the opportunity to interview you guys. And it was I had the opportunity. And so it was really, really great. Yeah,

Jimn Kyles 0:57
we did a relationship series. Yes. Talking about it’s complicated. Yeah. And it was all about relationships and

Jolea Garza 1:04
ask a bunch of great questions. And really, really, you guys thought it was fun it was.

Jimn Kyles 1:09
And then we got to resolve the whole hot tub. You’ll get to hear about that in a little bit. It’s so good. But we actually have a recorded, and we thought that hey, as a bonus episode, we just throw it up on the podcast. So they’re gonna dive it you’re gonna dive in. It’s a weekend service. Here at a church we have three services we meet on Sundays, if you’re an unbeliever, I really think you’re gonna really great to speak to you. You don’t have to tune out look, you don’t have to believe to belong. Great relationship. advices great relationship, divine advice. And it’s not just for married folks. You had lots of great questions. And yeah, we

Jolea Garza 1:47
had Mary dating single and everything in between. I thought it was just so well, yeah,

Jimn Kyles 1:52
what round? Yeah, well, round. Yeah. And so here you are. If you’re if you want to learn more, just check it out. And it’s Jolea’s interview of me and Phyllis, enjoy.

Jolea Garza 2:03
Today we’re doing a question and answer with Pastor Jim and Pastor Phyllis, so it’s gonna be so good. We’re asking all of the questions that you guys have been submitting and asking over the past few weeks. And so we’re so looking forward to that. It’s going to be such a great time today. I’m so excited to welcome pastor Jimn, Pastor Phyllis to the stage. We’re gonna get started with our question and answer. Our pastors.

Unknown Speaker 2:26
Hey, good morning, church and morning. Yeah, thank you. Thank you. Pastor Jolea’s good to see you today. Wow, you guys look great to smart. How’s the 1145 service feel? This the service didn’t change that much, though. Right? It’s only like 15 minutes. 15 minutes, just 15 minutes a bit. That’s like a game changer sometimes.

Jolea Garza 2:49
45 is a lot different than 30. Come on.

Jimn Kyles 2:52
We’re so thrilled to be here with you. So delighted. Yeah. Well, we’re

Jolea Garza 2:55
super excited. We’ve had so many questions come in over the past few weeks. I don’t know if you guys had a chance to scan the QR code or submit a question on social media. So today, Pastor Jimn, Pastor Phyllis are in the hot seat. We’re excited to have you guys answer all of those questions. But before we do that, I do want to just give an opportunity to pastor Phyllis, specifically, because over the past few weeks, Pastor Jimn has been preaching and sharing he gets the stage and the ability to share all the time. And there’s a specific story that I’m sure some people are wondering about. And Pastor Phyllis I wanted to give you the opportunity to set the record straight. Tell us

Jimn Kyles 3:34
about how you attacked me. Story.

I’m like, can we just clarify this once and for all? Well, the trick? Yes, I know. Right. So the truth is, is I have had my mindset that I am going to defend. I’m going to say my piece. And then yeah, I was like, Okay, so after I processed it a little bit, I was thinking there is probably some truth to that story. I have to admit, yes, I know. Right? I like this whole time. But let me just say that. I mean, the deal is I didn’t attack him. So there is some you know, I mean, some exaggeration there, I did not attack him, I moved over closer to him. And I probably initiated the kiss. Because we at the time, we had previously been intimate and other relationships. And then whenever we decided to get married, you know, we were trying to do it right. And we were not gonna kiss until we got married. So that was the deal. And so then I moved closer to him, and probably initiated however, though, I want to say I thought it was safe. I mean, he was a good guy, like, I was saved but no beautiful. And then he told me no. And now it’s like, you

Jolea Garza 4:51
know, so you’ve been telling the story and there’s something very key to the story.

Jimn Kyles 4:55
Okay, so the other thing that part of the story he does not tell as he blames it all on me is that his granny It lived two hours away, and he told me to pack my bathing suit. So that was like something that he knew he had planned. He set me up. It was a setup. That’s all I’m saying. It was a set of like we he drove two hours told me to pack my bathing suit. And that’s, you know, so

no. Don’t get in a hot tub if you’re trying to stay pure, and get married. With the girl of your dreams.

Jolea Garza 5:24
That’s great. Well, there we go. So record is set straight.

Jimn Kyles 5:28
Yes, that is the truth right there.

Jolea Garza 5:30
We wanted to let you let you share. I wanted to make sure it was spare. Well, it’s so good. We have so many great questions here today. And so little time is what it feels like. We’re going to try to get through as many as we possibly can. And so I’m going to just start with an easy question. And then there are some great questions that, that the congregation is acid or a little bit more, you know, in depth, and we’ll dive a little bit deeper. But the first one that I thought is great, and it was asked with acids a couple of times is what is something that you guys do to have fun. And I’d also rephrase that as what do you guys do in the season? You’ve been married for 22 years? 22 years four kids? There was a money somewhere during the season? Yes. What do you guys do to prioritize yourself each other? How do you guys keep you guys first in your relationship? That’s

Unknown Speaker 6:15
a great question. You know, because even when you asked about the fun earlier, you know, we answered Phyllis loves anything outdoors, the beach, I love anything indoors, movies, food, you know, any of the that I love, but I think the great part about that is the prioritizing the relationship. And one things that we’ve learned is to really force ourselves to have that date night, something that we’re doing every week, we get somebody to watch the kids, but we fight for that date night where her and I get to spend some alone quality time. And in certain seasons, it’s been harder. I mean, there’s been times where we hadn’t been perfect on it. But I will tell you, the better we are with the consistency of our date night, the healthier our marriage and our relationship is and then we tend to try to just rotate what we do for fun. I’ll go to the same restaurant order the same thing. And be just as happy as a lark because I know it is good. I don’t go out to eat that much. I know it’s good. That’s what I wasn’t want to spend money on bad food. He’s spending money on bad food. Come on. No. She wants to go to every taco stand. She wants to take all the dishes anywhere we haven’t been before. And so we so here’s what we do is we try to rotate. So she’ll Okay, let’s go to the beach tonight. Let’s you know, let’s go to the she loves the pool, anything like that. And then sometimes I’m like, Hey, let’s just tonight, can we just veg? Just wanna go watch a movie Come on somebody. And so that’s where we try to differentiate and then meet each other’s need in what it is that recharges that person. I tend to withdraw. I’m around people a lot. So I tend to withdraw is how I get recharged. She’ll be around people and she’s like, partied all night. She’s ready to party when she’s full. She’s like, come out with somebody. The party just travels with her. And and I think recognizing it and then being okay with it, saying, Look, I don’t recharge like you. And then there’s what we’ve had to learn too. Sometimes I would have the pressure of, hey, you got to go with me to the beach, you got to go. And we just learned look, take some girlfriends go out. You know, go have fun. And sometimes she’ll take the kids and that fills her cup. And it’s okay that I don’t do every single thing all the time with her. And so,

Jimn Kyles 8:23
yes, we both like sushi. So right now our favorite gig is we love our date night to go to Japanese. Yeah, we love sushi. So yeah, that’s great.

Jolea Garza 8:31
That’s great. I think earlier you guys talked about even 100%? And how how a relationship is 100% of both of you. Can you talk a little bit about like withdrawals and deposits and how you invest in your marriage and your relationship on a consistent basis?

Unknown Speaker 8:46
Yes, I think the question, the question was some of the what is some of the, you know, greatest marriage advice that you have gotten? And so I think it was before we had even gotten married the pastor who we grew up under that married us, Pastor Clark, that one of the things that he told us when we were sitting in his office is he looked at Jimn and he said, Jimn, he said the deal is, is you’re going to always feel like you’re giving 100%. And he said, Jimn, you’re going to always feel like you’re giving 100%. And he looked at me and he said, Phyllis, you’re going to always feel like you’re giving 100%. And so I just I can’t tell you how many times throughout the marriage, I’ve thought, you know, it’s easy to just think I’m the only one giving because you’re given everything you got. And so if you’re given everything you got you think there’s no way that they’re given as much as you are, but the truth is, they’re also given everything they got a lot of the times, but you’re just not recognizing it because you’re just only recognizing your own sacrifice. And so anyway, I just I can’t tell you how many times like over the course of the years that that has stuck with me and I’ve thought about that. So it was good. It was

Jimn Kyles 9:46
great advice. And that’s the only way to make a marriage work. If you think it’s 5050 you’re going into it with the wrong mentality. It is always 100% sure for sure percent. And then you just you fight for the marriage which is in the middle So that’s what we’re always fighting for. We never fight against each other. Now there were times in our marriage, we’d fight against each other because the enemy I have you believe our she didn’t care, he doesn’t care. But if you’re constantly fighting for the marriage, which is the health of the marriage in the middle, it’s like, Hey, we’re on the same team, and we’re gonna give 100% to produce something that honors God and then fills our cup the way God wants us to have our cup filled. I also there’s, here’s one of the philosophies that will help you give first, give more and give often. So in a marriage, you don’t really work. It’s really interesting how people have a mentality I’ll give when they give, like, Okay, I let him have sex, you know, when he talks, you know, so what do you say, and you’re saying, meet my need, and then I’ll, then I’ll meet your need. But but there’s such a biblical principle, it’s the law of reciprocity, you reap what you sow. And then when you give good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, it’s, it’s amazing how the real model of Marriage in God’s eyes is to build us up to be like Jesus, to be the one to give first, okay, how can I give when I don’t feel like it? Well, there’s a lot of times, you’re not gonna feel like it. We don’t live based on feelings, we like feelings. We live based on choice. So I choose to give first, and then at work, I’m gonna give more, which is what Phyllis is talking about. If you just give what you feel like they’re giving, then you’re gonna give less, but remember this, you judge people based on their actions, but you judge yourself based on your intentions. So it’s easy for my intentions to feel like, well, I know I’m given, but I don’t see it. Well, you don’t know the behind the scenes for them. You don’t know that in this season, they are given all they’ve got. And so we give first we give more. And then we give often, it’s a frequency remember this, you only reap what you sow. Some of you are trying to reap a harvest in the field you hadn’t sowed in. You want a better marriage, but when’s the last time you’ve been sowing seeds for a better marriage? When’s the last time you’ve given praise? See, we basically we’ve been taking and harvesting but not replanting and re sowing. And so give first give more give often,

Jolea Garza 12:10
that’s great, you know, you’re talking about not fighting against each other, but fighting for your marriage. And so before I have a couple of questions that I love to ask for all of our single and dating those that are in this congregation, but I do want to just see if you guys maybe have one tip or one tool each for how to fight fair. You know, I think it’s so important when you say we’re not fighting against each other, but we’re fighting for our marriage. So I thought, you know, that’s a good place to give some. Yeah, I’m just curious what you’re gonna say. That’s a good I think

Unknown Speaker 12:43
when words are many are not many are willing words are few centers absent. I think a lot of fighting fair is just being very intentional with what you say how you say it. And the way it’s, it’s perceived. So one of the things that I have to for me, if we’re going to have a productive conversation, I cannot be escalated. And what that means is on a scale of one to 10 10, being like you said, some did something and I am like off the charts mad five is you still can’t really see straight, you know, you shouldn’t be five and six, you should be able to one or two. And if I’m not at a one or two, then at the end of the day, I’m probably not gonna fight fair because what’s happened is I’m fighting from triggers. I’ve been triggered by the trauma of my past. It’s not even remember this when you when you and your spouse get in a fight, and you’re the one that’s frustrated. Can I tell you, you’re the problem? I know nobody gave me an amen. Right there. That’s okay. That’s what nine years of counseling will do. You know, Randy was say, Jimn, you’re the problem. Yeah. But she made me mad. He’s like, nobody can make you mad. Nobody can make you angry. Nobody can make you frustrated. So what happened was, she said or did something. But I have trauma from the past where it was triggered, and I blame it on her. But she didn’t create the trauma of the past. Maybe she did, but it’s still not her fault. I still have to deal with it and work through it. And so recognizing the moment I’m triggered, well, will will will will always, don’t always do it. But I always try to introspect. Okay. It reflected, you know, inside of me and say, Why did I Why did I feel that? I love what Eleanor Roosevelt said. She said some years ago, of course, it was years ago, but I read it years ago. She said, No one can make you feel disrespected. No one can disrespect you. You know, because so many we live in a day where it’s like you disrespect No, no respect and honors from within me, I know my value can dishonor me and devalue me. You can do disrespectful things. But it’s not going to cheapen my value. It’s not going to cheapen my self worth because I know who I am. And I think the healthier we are in a marriage, the easier it is for us to fight fair. The problem is, we fight from one trauma trigger to the next trauma trigger to the next and we never bring any resolution because we’re constantly escalated.

Jimn Kyles 14:54
Yeah, that’s good. I was I would just add to that about fighting fair is realizing that there two perspectives, and the truth is in the middle. So it’s kind of like, you know, I think pastors even shared this before the number six, you know, on a piece of paper, if you were to write that down and set it in between us, and you asked me what it was, I would say a six. If you asked him what it was, he would say, a nine. And he says, who’s wrong? Who’s wrong? We’re neither one of us who’s right. We’re both right. It’s, it’s a six to me. And it’s a nine to him. And, and that is very key as well is because I even use that with my kids. Because if you’re going to fight fair, you have to, I feel like one of the biggest things is, is being able to listen, you know, and listen to their perspective and know that the truth is in the middle, you know, so, yes, your perspective is correct, but coming from them, their perspective is correct. And so and then the other thing is, is that I felt like that I thought was really kind of like a, I don’t know, epiphany to me, is what did Randy say about the fact that you’re not fighting for resolution? Basically? Do you know what I’m talking about? No. Okay. Anyway, but basically, I think, because used to, I would always like I’m always fighting for, for like, who’s right or who’s wrong, you know? And then and that’s not really the case. I think it was like who’s right, who’s wrong? And I don’t think I realized, like, that’s really not what it’s about. It’s about hearing each other’s perspectives and being able to move past it, whether you reach a resolution or not. And I don’t think I had that mindset, because it’s like, it never got resolved, like it never got resolved. And so what I was saying is that there wasn’t an answer of who’s right or wrong. But so many times, that’s not what it’s about, you don’t have a resolution. And I thought, Wow, where did they may tell me that in the beginning, like 20 years ago, you know, I mean, that’s a that is a mind shift for me, I don’t know. But anyway,

Jolea Garza 16:51
I always like to pray for my husband.

Jimn Kyles 16:54
I want to encourage you guys to just so you guys know Phyllis, in our in counseling, we’ve been in counseling for nine years. And I make that very public, I actually started to say that when it wasn’t popular like that, like, I actually remember getting up and telling the church, we’re in counseling, and I thought we’re probably gonna lose people. But I always made a commitment that I was going to be honest, and authentic and real. And if I will tell you about our story that gives you permission to go and seek counseling. But there was a day where there was such a stigma, oh, my God, you’re in counseling, what is you guys must really be jacked up. You understand what I’m saying? And here’s what I want to encourage you with Phyllis and I last week, with Thursday, at one o’clock, we met with Randy. And at the end of the day, he’s like, how you doing? We’re good, we’re in a good spot. But we still meet with him every single week, because it’s really important for you to understand. There is not a once one time fix all it’s like every day things happen. So what you’re looking for are these minimal course corrections. They see when you hadn’t gotten counseling, and you’re not real healthy. You’ll have these massive epiphanies where it’s like, Oh, my God, I learned this and it radically changed my life. Well, that’s not really what Phyllis and I are having now. Now will we have is like this little, it’s just a course correction. When you fly a plane, I don’t know if you know this, but if you were to go from here to California, the entire time you’re in the flight, the plane is constantly course correcting. But if it just stayed on the original path, you’d end up in a whole different state that 5% over a long period of time makes a massive difference. And what I’m concerned about is sometimes you go to counseling once you’re like, we’re good. Yeah, no, no, no, you just got to keep course correcting. And if you don’t need counseling, it’s that you’re in the small group, you’re connecting, you’re, you’re you’re really discovering these things so that I’m a healthier person. And we just made a commitment. Look, I’m gonna be the healthiest husband, father, person that I could possibly be so that you get a great healthy pasture, that our family is not perfect. But we’re going to model what it looks like to be open and honest and to constantly course correct our lives so that we can get to the end of our life and hear God say well done, good and faithful servant. So

Jolea Garza 19:01
that’s great. I love I mean, I love counseling. That’s good. Yeah. Great leaders are great learners. And a part of growing is always just learning and counseling is a great way to learn more about yourself, your triggers, and all of that. I think that’s so good.

Jimn Kyles 19:15
Yes. And we always talk about, you know, I don’t want to just survive, like, I don’t want to get to the end of our life and be like, we survived, like, I want to enjoy it. And I want to be passionate, and I want to have fun. And you know, I want to feel alive in my marriage. And so, you know, there’s seasons where it’s hard when you’re going through counseling, you’re dealing with raw stuff, and it’s not as easy, but you there should just always be this goal where you’re striving for that, you know, because it’s like we just say like, we want a great marriage, not only just now but at the end, you know, and I want to have fun along the way, you know, so anyway,

Jolea Garza 19:47
it’s really really good. Okay, so let’s switch gears. Let’s talk a little bit about dating and relationships. One person asked, How will I know if I have found the right person or right spouse for me?

Jimn Kyles 20:00
I think one of the things that I think is important, is I think everybody should have people in their life that can tell them no. And so when it comes to relationships, I mean, it would be wonderful if those people were your parents, no matter how old you are, you know, because they’re, they’re there they are your God given authority here on Earth. But I do know that some people are not as close to their parents, broken relationships, things like that. But you might have other godly individuals, pastors, leaders, small group leaders, people that you know, family members, they can speak into your life because you know, have you ever heard that saying, Love is blind? So I mean, love is blind, right? And so you, I think, people, if you already have people in your life, not just in relationships, that you can go to them and say, Hey, what do I do in this situation? Or, Hey, I’m thinking about this transition, or that life transition? Can you speak into it? And if they say, No, even if maybe you want to move forward, and you give them that authority, it’s not about putting your trust in man. But it’s about putting that trust in God like God, I trust you that I’m going to submit to authority and give people the freedom to see things that I don’t see. And I think that applies to relationships as well. So I

think it’s great, I would recommend getting whoever’s your mentor and it needs to be someone that loves God has a relationship with God, do it at the beginning. You know, we talked about it, one of the biggest challenges I’ve had is where someone says, Hey, Pastor, I want you to meet so and so we’re about to get engaged. I mean, what am I going to say then? Right, you’re already down the road. You’re not really asking my advice. You’re asking for my my just blessing. And I think in a day and age, you need people around you that can sniff out the imposters. I just feel like there’s a lot of guys and a lot of girls, they’ll do anything to get you to that altar. And if they’re not authentic, if it’s not really genuine from inside of them, you’re going to have problems, like tying the knot getting married, that doesn’t end all the problems. That’s where the commitment comes in. That’s where when I need to know that who I’m married is the is the real deal. And just trusting people to really be able to say, hey, I don’t think that person is right. But the worst thing you could have is man, I did introduce them. My parents, my parents are hadal massive red flag. Why would you ever date someone who your parents would hate if your parents want the best for you? You don’t I’m saying But then here’s what’s happened. You end up marrying them. You know, and it’s like now it’s like, Man, I wish well, you didn’t bring people into the process before. And now you’re gonna struggle through the marriage. Now, you know, not that God can redeem it and do all that’s great. But just you know, with our kids, we have been very vocal, we want to be involved from day one. Whatever relationship that transpires, we want to be involved with it and have the permission to speak into that.

Jolea Garza 22:47
That’s really, really great. Another person asked, Is it okay for us to live together? If we’ll probably get married one day?

Jimn Kyles 22:56
No, just no. We know that answer. And we hate to even have to say it, but the truth is, you know, and if you’re living together now and you’re just finding out the truth of God’s word, here’s honestly just fix it, get married, get married or move out and then do it right. You know, we’ve had people come to church and say, I feel convicted, they move out. They date they get married, they do it right. I believe God honors that. But here’s what I would tell you you can’t test drive intimacy. We don’t test drive it the Song of Songs look at put it put it up there’s a Solomon the wisest man who ever lived. He says promise me a Women of Jerusalem not awakened to not awaken love before its time. And before it’s right, and that’s all they living together as a couple say, Hey, we’re gonna live together, but we’re not gonna have sex. I’m like, wow, bro. You way better than me. I mean, I don’t even know that’s like Superman stuff. I just even if you told me you didn’t, I wouldn’t believe you. That’s why the Bible says flee from the appearance of evil. Right? It’s like, we’ve got to honor the marriage bed. You know, abstain? Look First Thessalonians 522 sepsis stain from all appearance of evil. And as a believer, we just want to abstain from it and make sure we do it right. And, and then here’s here’s, yeah. And don’t believe the lie. The only way they’re gonna marry you as if they test drive intimacy. No true love waits. And I’m telling you that for a fact, and here’s what I told the other services and I think it’s important for you to know, if they don’t have the discipline, to fight for purity, and to fight to do it right and the and the tenacity to do it. How many No, you don’t just develop discipline because you get married. If you don’t develop that beforehand. You’re gonna fight for purity in your marriage. Just because you get married doesn’t mean you stop fighting for purity. How many there’s porn, there’s a fers. There’s all kinds of things that will try to come in and attack your marriage. But if you’ve done it right, you’ve been disciplining yourself. You’re developing the character of, hey, we fight for the purity of this marriage. And I want to be with someone that is willing to fight for it, even if she kisses me in a hot tub aggressively.

Jolea Garza 25:04
We’re back to that we still finally, yes, yes.

Jimn Kyles 25:07
I didn’t even speak enough we before that moment, she had an apartment, I would actually go over to her an apartment, little small one bedroom. After we kiss in the hot tub, we’d now we wouldn’t even go into her apartment, we’d sit outside on the porch, just because we were alone. And I just I know myself, man, you know, I’m fighting for purity. And I just I just this beautiful girl here she attacks me again. It’s over. But it was it was really a beautiful thing, because the struggle is there. But we were truly trying to fight for it. And To God be the glory. And we made it.

Jolea Garza 25:40
I think the just to talk a little bit more about purity for students. And I think it’s not just fighting for purity, maybe for students and kids, but also for your adults and people who have maybe been divorced, you know, who are single dating? Why is it so important? To fight for purity? You know, I think you talk about how there’s a huge difference between religion and relationship and how love should drive us to obedience. And I’d love to hear you guys talk a little bit more about that.

Jimn Kyles 26:07
The purity is actually worship. We honor God with our bodies. Our bodies are the temple of the Holy Spirit. And so when we stay pure, it’s a form of worship is not just raising your hands in a song service. Worship is the way you live your life. It’s what you do. It’s what you say. It’s, it’s the interactions that you have. And so as a believer, what happened was you said, Jesus, my life was a mess. I surrender it to you. I need you to save me because apart from Jesus, we were all dying and going to hell. And so we’re dying going to hell, we give our life to Jesus by surrendering our life to him. Well, now our act of worship is to live our life for him. And we do that through those pure relationships that we have. And so I said, some of the first or second service, so many people are trying to fight against, you know, sexual immorality, pornography, all the temptation. What you got to be careful of is that you’re not focused on the negative. You don’t have to fight against sin. You just have to fall in love with Jesus. Does that make sense? Because if you keep trying to fight sin, have you ever it’s like I said, push his button in the center. And it says, I say, don’t touch it. Don’t push it. What are you gonna do? When touch it you want to push? Well, that’s what some of you’re doing. Like, don’t look at porn. Don’t do this. Don’t do this. Don’t fall in love with Jesus. It’s a love. That’s right. It’s a love issue, not a sin issue. Same thing with Phyllis, you know, we really have. Our marriage just continues to blossom. And we have had tough seasons. We’re not in one now. And it’s amazing. It’s like you fall more in love. She is my best friend. We have discovered new things and we’re having more fun than ever before. Look, I don’t care who comes up. I don’t care what you wear. You’re not tempting me away from this hottie right here. I love Phyllis and i None of you can take care of me like Phyllis like she knows the ins and outs of my life and my heart. And what I’ve learned is all I have to do is just keep watering this grass. So many things that grass is greener out there. It’s green where I water it. I’m given first I’m given more, I’m given often. And then there’s this love is cultivated, which is where you end up at the end of your life, where you can’t even believe how could I love you more, but I do. Yeah, how could I be more enthralled and more blessed. And no matter what we’ve been through, like where we’re at, it’s like, Man, I just love you. I told my kids Addison, they gotta be careful. They picked up Phyllis his phone and get on her texts on my girls. On the phone. We flirt all the time on the phone.

Unknown Speaker 28:44
What did you say? What did you said? I said, Get out of my text. You better watch it. I said leave me alone. Give me my phone. But

Jimn Kyles 28:52
isn’t that how it should be? But here’s the key. I’m not trying to say what don’t have an affair. Don’t do that. Don’t just fall in love with this girl right here and just give her more of my heart. And that’s how we keep ourselves pure and holy for God.

Jolea Garza 29:06
Yeah, and I really love this question. I think this kind of ties in really well to you know, so for those marriages that maybe we’re in a rough patch, maybe you have a young couple. How what advice would you give them if they’re trying to mend a young marriage from from maybe some hurt at the beginning of their marriage?

Jimn Kyles 29:24
Yeah, I would. You know, it’s funny when I saw that earlier, it says how do you mend a young marriage that has had a bad foundation, but the truth is, I feel like that can really ring true at any stage in your marriage, because you can hit a rough patch where you kind of are just you feel like you’re in a downward spiral a little bit. And I feel like it’s a lot of the same. However, in the beginning, I think you don’t have as much corn in the crib. And so you know, things can be a little bit more scary. I feel like but I just think for one, there has to be forgiveness. You know, I mean, that’s number one. And I feel like because and we forgive me Because God forgives us, right? I mean, we don’t really, you know, we’re asking God to forgive us of our sins. And we accept that. But then yet we feel like we have the right to either forgive or not forgive. And that’s tough. I mean, it’s tough in our human nature, that is sometimes very difficult. And so but I feel like there also, I, one of the things that I have found is that you can work on your marriage or work on your relationship at different times. And sometimes that’s helpful, like, sometimes it’s helpful for me to be the crazy one and him to be the strong one, or then vice versa. You know, because you need each other, I feel like God designs it a little bit that way, sometimes. But then on the flip side, I feel like, sometimes you want to be working on it together. But you’re, you’re not you feel like God’s dealing with you, okay, I’m gonna forgive him, I’m gonna be strong. And then he does something, you know, that you are not really did, he just does something and responds wrongly. And so you’re like, well, he doesn’t care. He’s not appreciative of my, whatever. And then vice versa. And so I think at some point, you have to draw a line in the sand. And I think, you know, because I say that about other marriages, because I feel like Randy, the counselor, we have now has really helped us. And he talked to us a little bit about building altars. And so what because of the rough patch that we had been through, it was like, though, we went automatically went to the negative. So if we were in an argument, or we were trying to have fun, or we were trying to, it’s like you automatically, it’s like these bad habits almost. And you fear those bad habits, like we’re just gonna go there. And so he really helped us in the counseling, which was really good to celebrate, like, there were moments where he’s like, Do you realize what you just said? Do you realize what you just did? He goes, like, we just need to celebrate. And there were moments where he would not even counsel us, he would say, we’re, I’m not going to talk about anything, we’re not gonna work through anything. Like we’re going to celebrate

our celebrating each other, each other. And I was like, hold up, I thought, I’m paying your bill. He’s like, no, no, no, we are celebrating Yes,

Unknown Speaker 31:58
and would not move on for anything to work on. Because he said, we’re building altars, we’re building new altars, because so many times, you don’t stop long enough to recognize and celebrate yourself or your spouse, you know, and so we just rush through it. And so I do feel like forgiveness is one, but communicating to so that you can say, hey, we’re going to build new altars, we’re going to celebrate where we’ve come from, we’re going to draw a line in the sand. And this is what we’re going to do moving forward, so that you have a place to go back to that’s not the negative, like this is what we’re going to do now, you know, so Well,

Jimn Kyles 32:36
just a couple of practical things. You know, you need to pray together, you need to read the Bible together, you need to do devotionals. Together, I would encourage you, if you’re trying to rebuild a new foundation, come to church every week, you know, I am such a proponent of half the battle is just showing up. You’d be amazed at how marriage, how your marriage and your family would be if we would just be consistently at church. Every week, I’m in this place, God is speaking to me to my family, get involved in a small group, find someone that can help mentor you in your marriage. And it really is about learning from others. I always want to learn from someone else, I don’t need to go through it. You know, I’m smart enough to know I don’t want to go through every pain in life. I want to learn from some other people’s pain Come on. So small groups we really launched in September 11. I just encourage you if you’re building a new foundation, getting a marriage small group, and really make that a priority. And so you because here’s the truth, you have to there’s a transformation, renewing your mind. It only comes when you’re around new people. You’re learning new things in the word and you’re discovering for yourself.

Unknown Speaker 33:43
And there’s so many resources. I mean, there’s the family life, weekend Weekend to Remember conferences that they usually hold them around Houston and things like that. And then the marriage podcast, there’s a married life today. podcast is really really good. I feel like there was yes, it was what? No, you’re right. Jimmy Evans. Yes. With Jimmy Evans. So I feel like there’s just a lot of great resources. Yeah. So

Jolea Garza 34:08
that’s great. Well, as we wrap up today, I love to just hear, you know, allow you guys to just give some closing thoughts, anything that you love for the congregation to hear. And then of course, we want you to pray over us and just as we continue to close this series on relationships,

Unknown Speaker 34:22
um, I will just go ahead and say I said this, you know, in the previous services, because I felt like the Holy Spirit spoke it, you just really put it on my heart is to share about self care. And so that question didn’t necessarily pop up this service. But I feel like as Jimena, as pastor Jim and I have grown in our marriage, the one of the things that we’ve grown in is not just on how to, you know, fight fair, or how to how I can fix this better, but it’s also the self care and how to take care of myself better. And so I felt like even in the fight fair, one of the things that Randy has Really, that author also was powerful is like self validation, you know, saying like, I know, I don’t have to get triggered and I don’t have to get upset, because I know that it’s not like, I know I was right. But it’s like, I know my heart was right. I know my heart was right. I know, I’m a good wife, I don’t have anything to prove. And so then I can come at him because I have validated myself, whether he agrees or not, you know that I’m not looking for that validation from him. I know my heart, I know, my God, and I’m good. And then I can come to him and say, okay, and relate to him on a different level, than if I’m escalated, because I’m trying to get him to agree with me, or I’m trying to prove to him that I am right, or my heart is right, or my perspective. Does that make sense? So anyway,

Jimn Kyles 35:47
yeah, probably my last thing to say if I if I have such a passion for our young people, you know, just want to encourage us as a church, and I want to speak to the young people. We know you live in a different age. I mean, you’ve been exposed to things at such a young age that most people in this room would never even understand. And you’re in a society that really there are no morals, it’s whatever feels good, do it. You if you’re trying to be pure, or the odd man out, you’re like this crazy breed. And people will say you’re irrelevant. People will say it doesn’t matter. And I just want you to know it does matter. And I want you to know that you’re not irrelevant. I want you to know that you got a church that loves you, and that your pastor loves you. And these parents love you. And these moms and dads and even young adults, listen, we want to help you fight for purity. And when you make a mistake, you don’t have to run away and shame. Look, I nobody here judging you. We’re just proud that you’re fighting for purity, that you’re trying to do it different. And I want to encourage us to become coaches, and advocates, not adversaries, not people that make accusation like, Oh, my God, did you see? No, no, no, I want to coach my kids. And so one of the things that we find is that a lot of times, parents, when they’re teenagers, they will try to parent them out of season, you’ll try to be an authoritarian. Now authoritarian was back there. Now as a teenager, as a parent as adults were to be their coaches. Think about it, they’re driving Caden is driving cars into number, but school, you can’t tell them what to do. They’re going to do whatever’s inside of them. But what I can do, and this is what my my greatest desire is, is that we would posture ourselves as coaches, you know, if you’ve ever played sports, and I know Coach you down here on the front row, it’s like, you’d have a great relationship with your coach, because not quite like your mom or your dad. But you could tell them things and they’re cheering you on. And there comes a point in this church where I want you to know young people, if you make a mistake, come to us, let us help you build some accountability, let’s let us walk you through any consequences. You don’t have to run away in shame from the church, you got a church that loves you. And if there’s consequences, here’s what we’re going to do, we’re going to embrace you. And we’re going to experience those consequences together and say, Hey, we will figure this thing out. And we’re going to be a church that is tried generational with the older generation in the middle generation, young generation, and we’re all just fighting for purity. And if we make mistakes is like, Hey, we’re gonna pick you back up, dust off your knees. Let’s keep going. We’re gonna glorify God in our relationships. That’s my passion. So,

Jolea Garza 38:24
so good. Don’t you guys appreciate your pastors, so good. Well, why don’t we stand together? Pastor Dan Patrick, for those of you have blessed the congregation, we’d be so appreciative. Thank you,

Unknown Speaker 38:37
Jesus, thank You, Lord. God, we just thank you, God, we thank You, Father, for just the opportunity to come this morning together to worship you, but also just to bring some light God into something that means so much to you, Father, I just pray, Lord, that we would honor You God that we would be church, a church with strong marriages, God that, Lord, that You would just shine your light, God and bring your word and the Holy Spirit God would be in the middle of these relationships and these marriages, father, and God, I pray that you would strengthen the ones that are struggling right now God, those that are feel weak, like they feel like their relationships are weak. They feel like their marriage is weak or maybe struggling, or God maybe they just feel tired or it just God I pray that you would bring life God bringing life back into the marriage is God in this church. Lord, I pray that you would, Lord just breathed the Holy Spirit on them, Lord, that there would be fun that they would feel alive God that they would be passionate not only for you, but for one another God, I pray for those that are dating or single or divorced. Lord, I pray that you would let them know God that they are not the lost and forgotten, Lord, that you care about them that you love them, and that you care about their relationships. Father, I pray that you would give them the grace and the strength to make the right decisions and to give them wisdom God as they pursue you and pursue the right person at the right time. And Lord, I just pray for our young people. God, I pray that you would protect their eyes and their ears and their hearts God, that they would have a true truth about relationships and marriages and dating God that they would not be scared to ask questions and Lord that they would not feel ashamed or not feel out of like just the odd one out, because they’re trying to do the right thing and live the right way. God, I pray that you would let them be a strength to one another father, we give you honor, we give you glory. In Jesus name. And everyone said,

Jimn Kyles 40:38
Amen. Keep your head bowed your eyes close. You know, if you’re here today, I never want to let a service pass without giving you the opportunity. Maybe you’re here and used to have a relationship with God, but it’s been a long time and we you’re what we would say back slid. It’s like, Man, I turned my back on you God, but I find myself here in the service or online. And today, I’m ready to recommit my life back to God, I’m going to give you an opportunity to do that. Then maybe you’re here today and you’ve never had a relationship with God, somebody invited you here. Maybe you just came out of desperation, saw an advertisement drove by I don’t know. But you find yourself here. And you feel the presence of God, the power of God. And you can tell he’s drawing you close. What I want to do is give you an opportunity to surrender your life to him right now. The Bible says in Romans 10, nine and 10 that if you confess with your mouth, Jesus is Lord and you believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead. The Bible says you will be saved. And I believe God’s saving power is in this place. With heads bowed, eyes closed. If that’s you just as an act of surrender, would you just raise your hand say, Pastor right here, I’m ready to pray that prayer with you. I’m gonna lead you in the prayer. Yep, yep, I see if anybody else just raise your hand. Pastor, I’m ready. If you’re online, say I’m ready. I’m ready. Come on church. Tell him how proud you are. Come on. We will pray this prayer together. And then we’re going to see this course with all of our hearts. Say this with me. Say Jesus, I need you. I surrender my life to you. I confess You as my Lord. Right now. I give you all of me. In exchange for all of you. Forgive me of all of my sin. Wash away my past. I receive new life right now in Jesus name. Well, I hope you enjoyed that. Yeah,

Jolea Garza 42:27
wasn’t that so? Yeah. Oh, man. I

Jimn Kyles 42:31
love the topic of relationships. You know, we’re so grateful to have you tuning in. Listen, if you are enjoying this, if you enjoy today, we’re asking you to take some take some steps. First thing we want you to do is subscribe.

Jolea Garza 42:43
Yes, subscribe to this podcast. We’d love for you to be notified every time we post a new episode. That way you can continue to be on the journey with us. Yeah. Second

Jimn Kyles 42:52
thing we want you to do is teach. Anytime you learn new material, teach this teach one thing that you’ll share it with people. You don’t have to give anybody any credit. Just tell some buddies, something that you learned. And it helps you to really master that principle.

Jolea Garza 43:06
Absolutely. Then you can engage with us. We have a free Facebook community. We’d love for you to join that group. Be a part post what you’re learning share about your aha moments. We’re in the group we’d love to meet you and hear about your journey of becoming unstuck and unstoppable. We’d

Jimn Kyles 43:22
love to ask you then would you post a review? Yeah. If you’re enjoying this, would you give us a five star review, write some comments out really helps us in the rankings and helps people as they discover this podcast.

Jolea Garza 43:33
Yep. And finally share. If there’s one person that this podcast brought to mind for you just send this out to them and make sure that you’re sharing it with those that you love and care about and we’d love to have them join the journey too. Yeah, absolutely.

Jimn Kyles 43:46
Well, we’re so thrilled to have you on this journey. Can’t wait to be with you next week.

Bye bye.


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