Jimn Kyles

Unstuck & Unstoppable

020: How To Quit Feeling Isolated and Alone

Relationships are the currency of life, and as James 5:16 says, we confess our faults to one another to experience healing. A major contributor to our ability to become unstuck is the relationships we build. It is my goal to help you become unstoppable and today, we are going to discuss relationships. I and Pastor Jolea will share the two culprits for the deterioration of real friendships and four practical tips for building relationships.

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Jimn Kyles 0:00
Welcome to the unstuck and unstoppable podcast where we help you move your life forward. Now if you’ve ever felt alone or isolated, or just like you don’t have any quality friendships and relationships in your life, you’re listening to and watching the right episode of our podcast today. My name is Jimn Kyles. I am here with Jolea Garza.

Jolea Garza 0:20
Yes, this is gonna be a great topic. I’m like this is always a good conversation to have.

Jimn Kyles 0:25
Super excited, this is really I believe, going to help some people. And look, I want to welcome you, if you’re watching by YouTube, thank you for joining us. If you’re listening to us through the podcast, wherever it is you consume the content, we always consider it a privilege that you would spend time with us each and every week. If you’re brand new to the podcast, a new episode drops every week. And so if you will subscribe to the podcast, you’ll get a new episode delivered right to wherever it is you consume this content. We’re so thrilled to have people join us we work really hard for the content to really make an impact. Absolutely. And so delighted that you would join us. Hey, let’s let’s dive right into what the topic is. You know, I think what you and I were talking, we were talking about why people get stuck or what’s happening. And there’s really a pandemic or I wouldn’t say that word, but like a there’s this this crisis of people who are alone and isolated.

Jolea Garza 1:27
Yeah, yeah. And I think it really did rear its head when we had we had forced isolation, you know, I think we all experienced it coming out of it. Like, man, I didn’t realize how much I needed friendships and relationships. And and before that you had social media. So it’s just a lot of different changes in the way that we react in our society. It’s good to talk about this.

Jimn Kyles 1:51
It is well, and here’s what I would say to as we start this conversation, digital connection is not relational intimacy. Wow. Thank God, you said it. Yeah. So I think that’s where this podcast, what we’re really going to work on, is understanding that you can be digitally connected, but relationally disconnected. Yeah.

Jolea Garza 2:11
And this is definitely a place where, you know, I think I love having this conversation, because it’s something for me, and you know, maybe for business owners who are used to just drive in to get things done and making things happen. And and you look behind you, and you’re like, “Where are the people that I’m supposed to be doing life with? Where are the people that I can call and just, you know, connect with and be vulnerable with?” And so I love that we’re gonna have a conversation about maybe how to restart this, because we’ve been trapped in a real world of social media and likes and surface level communication.

Jimn Kyles 2:42
Well, and I think that’s where we have to address it. Because, again, our whole purpose of this podcast, we want to help you move your life forward, we want to help you get unstuck, but not just to get unstuck. We want you to become unstoppable. That’s the goal. It’s like being I want, we want to be along this journey. And relationships are a key I always say and you hear me said all the time, relationships are really the currency of life. Oh, 100%. So show me your friends. And I’ll show you your future, you guys have probably all heard that. Yeah. But my pastor also says, show us your five closest friends

Jolea Garza 3:13
You are the sum total of your five closest.

Jimn Kyles 3:15
Sum total, yes. Which leads me into a survey that you and I were researching. Looking. We talked about, hey, how many average friends does that or how many friends does the average American have?

Jolea Garza 3:24
This is so interesting. So we were actually looking at this, you know, it’s the American life society, they do all these surveys. So in 1990, they had a survey, and then in 2021, they had one. So people, 49% of people have three or less close friends, three less

Jimn Kyles 3:41
Ain’t that amazing. And if we’re the sum of the five closest, that means your circle has gotten so much smaller

Jolea Garza 3:47
People, close people that are influencing your life and breathing into your life, you know,

Jimn Kyles 3:51
Then what happens when those relationships end? Yeah. You know what I mean? Now it’s gone from three to two,

Jolea Garza 3:57
Yeah, or to zero to zero. And the other interesting thing that I think is really almost alarming is that that number of people who said they had no friends went from 3% and 1990 to 12% and 2021.

Jimn Kyles 4:12
And so if we’re talking to you today, and if this is you, maybe you find yourself the the friend list is shrinking. Yeah. First off, I want you to know, it’s normal, like life happens, things can happen, maybe you moved, circumstances, situations, you know, friendships have to be reciprocated. And I think in what we’ve gone through the last couple of years, there have been a lot of people that have begun to isolate themselves. So you can’t make people come out. But what you can do is be intentional, that I’m not going to choose to live this way.

Jolea Garza 4:39
Absolutely. And I think we also have to undo the paradigm. But I think it’s been really prevalent recently, which is the no new friends, right? People almost wear a badge of honor of “I don’t need people I don’t need you.” You know, I can do things by myself. And the truth is, if we just get all the way down to it, we need people. We need relationships. We need people that we can be open, honest, vulnerable with share our hurts habits and our hangups with, and do life with. And that’s how I think we can continue to make make progress to move forward and be unstoppable together.

Jimn Kyles 5:14
What I think you said that, you know, it’s real relationships. Yeah. Well, here’s what we got to be careful. If you’re just thinking about the culprit, why are we where we’re at relationally you know, as a pastor and your pastor as well, we get the pastors great church. We’re constantly thinking about people in relationships. And of course, to us, it’s so natural. One of our beliefs is that it’s in relationships, that we experienced healing, because you find someone who knows the good, bad, the ugly and loves you anyway. Yeah. And then there’s real healing that comes from that James, chapter one, verse five, says, James five, one or 13 says that we’ll put it in the show notes.

Jolea Garza 5:55
In James

Jimn Kyles 5:56
James and James 5:16. That’s hilarious. And we’re not going to edit that out because it’s real, authentic. Yes. So But James 5:16 says that we confess our faults to one another, and then what do we do we experience healing. And so God even created relationships. You know, 1 John 1:9 says, If we confess our faults to God, He is faithful and just to forgive us. So forgiveness comes from God. But isn’t it interesting how that healing comes in the context of relationships. And that’s what we’ve got to make sure that we’re focusing on whether you’re a believer or not. Relationships really are the key and you were just thinking about what would be a cause of the deterioration of real friendships because back in the day a friend, well, let’s talk about the culprit. And then we go into, there’s two of them will say them, the first one we talked in alluded to, was really this global crisis that we walked through. We all went through it, nobody went through it unscathed. Right 100%. And we were told to isolate and, you know, separate and all that for the greater good. Okay. But the problem is, some people never came back out of isolation. Yeah. 100%. So that’s part of it, not a lot you can do with it there. The second thing that we’re just kind of touch on a little bit, social media

Jolea Garza 7:11
100% I think it went hand in hand to what I was alluding to is you have this global crisis. And the truth is, when we were in the middle of it, I was like, Thank God for social media, because I can check in on people. We’re not isolated, as what I kept saying is, you know, we have relationships. But the truth is, social media is such a, it’s just not a great replacement for real intimacy, just like we said, and, and the truth is, then you it’s already a highlight reel. And so we’re highlighting things and we’re highlighting some of the bad you know,

Jimn Kyles 7:43
We don’t highlight the bad! Don’t lie! Ain’t nobody selfie in their bad hair.

Jolea Garza 7:47
During isolation, maybe a little bit, we talked about, you know, we shared about how we all wore, you know, our pajama pants, top in zoom calls. So we did share a little bit, we were a little bit more intimate, but it’s hard. You can’t be intimate with 1000s of people. Well, you know,

Jimn Kyles 8:03
And again, it goes, we always put our best foot forward, never really wanting to expose the worst part of me, but that’s not a real intimate relationship. And, you know, I can just imagine when I said digital connections, not same as relational intimacy, you know, if you’re a guy you like relational intimacy, like I thought, That’s No, but you got to have that guy that that tribe, those friends that you can say, hey, here’s me on my bad day, here’s my good day. Here’s, you know, all of me, right? Because that is still how God created you whether you’re a man or a woman.

Jolea Garza 8:32
100%! There’s a great book. Oh, gosh, I’m thinking. So it’s called Naked and Unafraid by Kevin Gerald. So Oh, my gosh, yeah. So I know, he’s a great friend of yours but his book is phenomenal. And it talks about the need for vulnerability. And that’s the intimacy because intimacy says, Here, I’m going to share everything about myself, and allow you to still see it all and show me that you love me, regardless of who I am, you know, when the mask is off

Jimn Kyles 9:03
When the mask is off. And so realizing that look, social media, and we did a little bit of this looked up some stats and things. There’s the average Facebook user, which you know, typically mid 40s to late 30s, you’re on Facebook, 229 Friends, yeah, that’s what Facebook calls them. Yeah. On Instagram. Yeah. Instagram. It’s what? 1000 To 10,000 followers, the average? The average 1000. Yeah. And then TikTok is 1000 to 5000. Yeah. And so you would think with all this digital connection, people would be healthier than they’ve ever been more connected, happier, more fulfilled. And what we’re seeing is it’s actually the opposite, because you’re connected, but you’re alone and isolated. And that’s a lot of times where the depression comes in. And even if you’ve seen it just, we compare ourselves with someone’s best highlight reel their best moment with the way we really live in life. Yeah. And so our comparison is based on a fallacy Right. It’s not real life. It’s the highlight reel. Yeah. And so then you you don’t I don’t know about you, I rarely feel better about myself when I get off social media.

Jolea Garza 10:07
Yeah, I always I even am imagining as we’re talking about this, it’s just people, we sit in dark rooms, right, by ourselves and we scroll on quote, unquote, social media, and are just consuming you know the world of other people or sit with other family members and still be on social media not going deeper in relationships.

Jimn Kyles 10:27
How many times have you walked into a restaurant, and a family is sitting down to do dinner, we go eat at a local steakhouse down here. And I just kind of look around and it is so interesting. Everybody’s on their phone. Wow. And like you said, I bet most of his social media who liked my post? What did they say? So you’re relationally present, or you’re physically present, but relationally distant. Yes, you’re gone. You checked out. And I found it interesting. I watched an interview with some young people recently. And they were talking about their lives, the internet, and really social media and the impact and look at it, just a few things. Here’s three things that they said. The more I use social media, the more I crave personal interaction, won’t it not the opposite of what you would think, right? Like if I the more I use it, I’m interactive. I’m filled. my cup is full. Yeah, it’s a pseudo filling. It’s a false fill. It’s more, you got to have more. It’s superficial. It’s kind of like eating snacks. Right? You need a meal. And the real meal comes through relationships. Yeah. The second thing they said was, I feel more connected than ever. And yet I feel more alone. Isn’t that interesting, yeah. Then the third thing is, all I know to do is click, click, scroll, scroll, click, click, click, click scroll, scroll, scroll. Wow. That’s all I know how to do. So in other words, what they’re saying is I can I can post, I can scroll, I can click. But if you put me in the room with someone, they don’t even have basic relational skills, communication skills, like how do you start a conversation? I mean, if you ever put a younger generation in a room, it’s very funny. They’re all in there. And everybody’s on their phone. Yep. And they would rather text each other than talk to each other.

Jolea Garza 12:12
It’s funny, it’s like with babies, they do independent plays, all babies sit in a classroom, but they’ll play separate, like they’re playing with each other separately, you know, and it takes maturity, for them to play together, you know, and interact together. And so we’ve gone all the way backwards

Jimn Kyles 12:28
A little bit immature in our relational skills. Yeah. And it’s a big concern. And I think it’s a reason that people get stuck in life, you don’t have that person that you’re doing life, those people you’re doing life with. And I would say you need a minimum of five. You know, I’ve had some situations happen recently. And it’s hard when a relationship kind of blows up, and whether intentional or unintentional. And so if you don’t have multiple layers of friendships, it doesn’t take long for those relationships to be eroded. So you got to, and that’s what I want to do. Here we are, we do it four things, very practical, and we’re not gonna spend a lot of time. Our job is just stir you and then you go check out more resources on the website, and we’re going to help you with it. But really four practical tips on building relationships, on building relationships. Now, next podcast, we’re going to talk about what to do when relationships have ended and how how come they end, and how can we keep them from ending. That’s great, which I think is gonna be a powerful. Conflict and how to resolve it. So it’s gonna be good. Four things, just real quick. The first one is if you’re gonna build healthy relationships, you got to be intentional, great, intentional. And so what we’re talking about intentionality is we interact with people, maybe it’s at your job, maybe it’s at your church, maybe it’s at your neighborhood. But if you’re not intentional, you can live in a neighborhood and never really know your neighbors, right. Oh, yeah. Yeah. You know, so that’s intentionality. I’m not saying that your neighbors the one you want to do life with. But there ought to be somebody that you’re intentional about, we’d walk into churches, you know, we pastor a great church here, you’d come in each and every Sunday and never build one relationship. Surpising because it happens all the time come in, slip out, you got multiple services. So being physically present doesn’t mean that you’re being intentional.

Jolea Garza 14:17
Yep. And that’s what I going back to what we talked about last week, which is the calendar and what your priorities are intentionality comes with setting aside the time to spend with people that you want to go deeper in relationship with

Jimn Kyles 14:28
And be picky but but just be intentional. Say, “Hey, I’d like to, I’d like to spend more time with you.” I met someone the other day and said, “Hey, I’d like to spend more time you would that be okay if I called and we would go out on a date with our wives?” And so I think the intentionality otherwise what happens is you become a victim. Nobody likes me. Nobody wants to be around me, you know, and you’re just waiting for others. Here’s the other thing. I’d say if someone invites you do it, go have lunch, do it. Someone says hey, let’s go have dinner with our wives say, “Yeah, absolutely.”

Jolea Garza 14:58
That’s definitely a Jolea, if somebody invites you actually go, yeah,

Jimn Kyles 15:03
Don’t say you’re busy because everybody’s busy. But you got to have relationships. That’s really great. Second thing is, you got to be now this is once you’re out with the person and again, there’s other things you could do, we just want to give you some practical advice. I would say this be present, present. And so I’ve made the intentionality of going on a date with you. Now I want to be present and be engaged.

Jolea Garza 15:28
Yeah, that’s so good. It’s so important, because I think we can just like we were talking about, you can be in the same room and be in a completely different place.

Jimn Kyles 15:36
100 because you didn’t like I don’t know about you, but I’ve met and we’ve had dinner with friends. But I had a problem here in the church, and I go into there, and I’m worried about my problem. I’m worried about the situation. And then have you ever been in a place where you lay your phone down and his phone up, not phone down, screen up not screen down. And so when you go out to these places, put screen down. Yeah, like I’m present with you. I’m engaged with you. You’re the most important thing in this moment

Jolea Garza 16:04
I love the sign up putting your phone down. So this is another within the practical tip, you know, taking your phone and putting it down flat when I am in my one on ones with my team members. When I’m at home, having dinner with my family, it’s just a sign. And when you go out to eat with somebody, if you put your phone down flat, it says, “You are the most important” because technology, social media rules a lot of our lives. And so to put it down just makes it’s actually a great sign of saying you are the most important person right now. I’m turning everything off and I’m focusing on you.

Jimn Kyles 16:32
Well I know it’s hard, you know, just Dr. Tim Elmore has a new book coming out. And he talks about generational experiences and how that there’s such a gap in the different generations. And one of the things he talks about, I forget the title of his book coming out, put me on the spot. But he talks about how even millennials, for us, we see this as a sign of respect because it bothers us but and I realized this, if you’re a millennial, and you’re listening, millennials actually look at the phone as an extension of who they are. So I don’t know what the balance is but I also know that when I’ve sat down with people when their phone is up, and it is extensive, they’re they’re not really connected with me.

Jolea Garza 17:13
Right, I don’t feel like they’re focused on me.

Jimn Kyles 17:15
So we’ve got to say, “Hey, listen, I’m going to be relational, I’m going to be engaged in this moment fully present.” And then here’s the other thing, it’s, I think it’s important not to just make it a text or a phone call, like relationships can be built that in that way. But remember, the day when a relationship was built is because I came over your house we ate dinner. Right. Yeah. And when you know, as kids, we went and played

Jolea Garza 17:36
Yeah, well, looking back, looking at that survey to in 1990, the amount of people that had a lot of friends, the percentage was way higher. And I just think, what didn’t we have? We didn’t have text messages, you couldn’t maintain “a relationship” with text, you had to be present, you had to go to dinner, you had to do those things. And it seems like people thrive with healthier relationships.

Jimn Kyles 17:57
Well, you know, text message, oh, that’s not a shared experience. So we want to experience life together, we want to have shared experiences, and really, that happens in the present when you’re fully engaged. And then the last thing is, this is, I would say, once you begin to develop a friendship with someone be consistent. I think that is really important. You know, I actually calendar my phone calls and my dinners. Like we have a group where we go out every quarter. And it’s never easy, it’s never convenient but it’s like, “Hey, we’re going to go hang out every three months.” So, you know, I helped to lead that. And I think you got to have someone that kind of organizes it. But then I’ve got all my other friends, I probably have about five or six that are really close and deep to me, and have been for quite some time. I’m open for new relationships, but I put them on the calendar, I call them either every week, there’s some I call every day and then some I call every month. But it’s the intentionality of “I’m going to follow up, I’m going to be consistent.” And again, if you wait on the other person, now you’re a victim. I’m trying to help you get unstuck, so my pastor always just told me if I take responsibility, I can do something about it. Yeah. And so I just always assume it’s my responsibility to get us together. Spend time. Yeah, once we make it happen, and then we actually have a rule with our friends that we get together a quarter. Once we’ve agreed to a date, you can’t back out, that’s great, unless it’s a death or an absolute emergency because then that’s the resolve and the commitment of “Hey, we’re all going to commit because we’re all busy. We all have a lot of things to do.” Yeah. And I want to encourage you, if you if you’re feeling alone and isolated, or you recognize man, I’m just I’m in a lonely place. I want to encourage you be intentional. Yep. I want to encourage you to be present and engaged. And then be consistent.

Jolea Garza 19:38
I will say to on the consistency front, I actually had to practice this this year. You know, I was sitting around and I’m praying about this exact thing like “God, who are the people that you’ve called me to surround myself with?” and he highlighted just one person and and he was like, “You need to be consistent in that relationship.” And so I went up to that person. She’s a mom, you know, she’s busy just like I am has a lot moving and I was like, “Well, every other Thursday, let’s just go get breakfast. Let’s start our morning we dropped those kids off, we have time, I know you have time. Let’s just go get breakfast”. And what it does is it creates at least just a moment where you can be vulnerable and open with somebody, it’s on your calendar, and I do it just like counseling. I’m like, I got a lot of things to tell you. I’ve been bottling this up for two weeks. Let’s catch up. But it’s healthy. It’s really healthy, and it’s worth it.

Jimn Kyles 20:25
Well, I’m excited. Next week, we’re going to talk about how to have a healthy friendship. I think we assume everybody knows how to have a healthy friendship. And then what do you do when someone that you really cared about, that relationship has deteriorated? Like, what is what are some things we can do? And so I’m super excited about that. And hope this touched you today, I hope you’ve been able to take something away, go visit the website, jimnkyles.com. We got lots of free resources, go to the resource tab got PDF ebooks that are free. And then Hey, buy my book, my new book comes out. It’ll be in a couple of weeks, you’ll probably be listening to this after it’s been out. So I just want to encourage you go buy it. It’s called unstuck and unstoppable. I hope it’s a great resource for you, and really believe it’ll bless your life. It’s not just a book. It’s not a one dimensional book. It’s really a resource with multi dimensions to help you get unstuck and become unstoppable. And so we’re thrilled to have you join us. Would you please share the podcast?

Jolea Garza 21:21
Yep, review it for us. If you’re enjoying it, we’d love to hear your story and hear how this podcast is impacting your life.

Jimn Kyles 21:27
That’s right. And then join us on social media. We do lots of things on Facebook. We did I think we’re doing a Facebook zoom this week. Yep. And we’re interacting with whoever jumps on the Zoom call. So if you go to Unstuck and Unstoppable on Facebook and all the social media outlets, then what we’ll do is you’ll be able to see what’s happening. We’d love to connect with you. Also, we have a One Day it’s Unstuck and Unstoppable One Day called Behind the Scenes October 22, October 22, it’s gonna be in Richmond, go to jimnkyles.com. If you want to get registered, it’s going to be a one day event. And if you’re a business owner, if you’re a pastor, if you’re a leader, maybe you’re a manager, someone that leads teams, we’re going to talk about how to build an identity for your organization, how to clarify your purpose, create vision, and then we’re also gonna talk about culture. That’s the intangible and how to create a healthy life giving culture and so it’s gonna be a great one day. I want to invite you to be out at our Richmond One Day Unstuck and Unstoppable. So, alright, well until next week. We love you guys. God bless

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