Jimn Kyles 0:00
Welcome to the unstuck and unstoppable podcast where we help you move your life forward. If you’ve ever wanted to build an affair proof marriage, then you’re listening to the right episode of our podcast today. I’m your host Jimn Kyles. And I’m thrilled to be here with you today. I don’t have Jolea with me, today is going to be me, I want to share some things that have been on my heart lately. And so we’re adding this as a bonus episode. And so I’m thrilled we’re gonna test it out. I hope you enjoy it. I really came prepared today to help you have a healthy life giving marriage, maybe you’re not in a marriage and you find yourself listening today, today is going to help you as well, because you’ll begin to build some disciplines, you’ll be able to create a pattern of living that will help you as you move into marriage that you’re going to protect your marriage. As a pastor, for those of you who are brand new to the podcast, I’m a pastor, I lead a church called Anchor bend in Richmond, Texas, and I get the privilege of pastoring such a great group of people. Not only am I an author, my book comes out in November, November 8, you can go to the website, Jimnkyles.com and preorder your copy today, not only do I love doing this podcast and helping people get unstuck, but I get to help people create the life that God wants them to live. And part of that I believe is creating a healthy, life giving marriage. And over the last couple of years, it seems like we have seen a deterioration in husband and wife relationships in the marriage relationships. And it’s very, very concerning for me to see so many people who seemed like they had a healthy, strong life giving marriage to now be struggling for whatever reason, some of it, people blame on the pandemic. They say, man, you know, had we not had this global crisis, everything would be good. But I always just go back to we don’t blame.

A marriage that is falling apart on COVID. COVID is not the problem. The problem was there before COVID. It just exposed the prompts, it didn’t create the problem. And so the marriage issues, the marriage challenges, the marriage struggles, a lot of times those have been underneath the surface for quite some time. And then it just takes something like a global pandemic, a crisis in your life, whatever it is, to just expose what was already there. And it has been very, very heavy on my heart. I’m in a relationship series here. At the church, it’s called it’s complicated. If you want to go back and watch it, or listen to it, you can just on Anchor bend, TX. It’s been great. We’ve been talking about the dating dilemma. Last week, we actually talked about God’s design for sex. And then this week, we’re talking about building healthy life giving relationships. But in preparing for that, I keep going back to not only do want to have a healthy life giving relationship with my spouse, I want to build an affair proof marriage because I recognize that not only is it the responsibility of a man or a woman to build that relationship and to guard it. But it’s also important for us to be aware that other people don’t have that commitment to guard and protect a relationship. So So there seems to be lot more attacks on the marriage institution of marriage. And we just want to make sure that we’re gonna create healthy life giving marriages that are unstoppable. That’s my goal, I want you to have an unstoppable marriage in Matthew chapter 19, verse five, and six. And again, I’m a pastor, but I love this passage, it says and, and for this reason, a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two become one flesh. So we believe that marriage is an institution that God created, and that two people become one when they get married. And so then we’re going to protect that marriage, we’re going to make sure that we’re working on the marriage, so that we get to the end of our life, spending the rest of our life with the person that God brought into our life to live in covenant with And the sad thing is that divorce is so high, the divorce rate is actually climbing and continues to grow. There’s just as many divorce in churches as there are in the world. And that’s a problem for me. And what I want to do if you found yourself to this podcast, I really want to help you build a marriage that makes it to the end that strong that you don’t find yourself five years, 10 years, three years, two years, one year from now, in a divorce from the spouse that you said I do with researching this topic. I was looking at the really the reasons people have been tempted to cheat on their spouse or there’s infidelity in a marriage and there is a study that was done by nationality and gender and I thought it was interesting that talked about the five top reasons that a woman has an affair and the five top reasons in their survey that a man would have an affair. The first reason that a woman put the top answer was my partner stopped paying attention to me. So they decided to look elsewhere. The second top response was the other person that they had the affair with was there for them. So they were there for him a bad time, a tough time someone else was there for them besides their spouse. The third reason was, I was having doubts about my relationship already. The fourth reason was the other person was really hot. Really good looking. And then the fifth reason I thought this was very interesting is that they were bored. They were just simply bored, idle time. They ended up getting into a chat conversation, texts, phone calls, whatever. And it blossomed into something more, and they ended up having an affair. So that’s the top five reasons that women today according to this survey, to have an affair, top five reasons for men, I thought this was interesting. The other person was really hot. That’s the first reason we would typically think the second thing was, and I thought this was interesting, the second highest rated answer was that people were hitting on me. So not that someone was hot, but people kept making an advance, someone kept making a consistent advance towards me. Then the third reason was, I was already having doubts about my relationship. The fourth reason was my partner and I were not having sex. So in other words, I wouldn’t be an intimate with my spouse. And so I began to look elsewhere. And then the fifth reason I thought this was interesting, too, is that my partner stopped paying attention to me. Wow, so stopped having the attention, stop having the connection. And because of that, the affair blossomed. And really, an affair is going outside of your relationship, your covenant relationship to get your needs met, whether it’s an emotional affair, which that means there was no physical act done. But there’s an emotional connection, you rely on that person, you’re having phone calls with them text, there’s just this emotional bond and emotional affair, and then the physical affair, which is where the act of sex

was taking place. So whether it’s just emotional or physical, or both, it’s going outside of your marriage to get your needs met. And what we found in many studies is that affairs typically begin with friendships. So usually a co worker or a friend, sometimes it’s someone from church or an outing, social group that you’ve connected with conversations start to happen, you get drawn in, there’s a spark, you realize, I’d like to talk to that person a little bit more. And so there’s a friendship that begins to blossom. And then we see over time that that friendship deepens, that the person who is married and the other one who’s not, or maybe is married, they start to just give each other mutual support, mutual encouragement, and then become attracted to each other in a powerful way. And you begin to think about what what you could be and what could happen and fantasize, until all of a sudden, the emotional and physical boundaries are crossed, and an affair happens. And what I found interesting is that the University of Washington revealed that 20% of men, and 15% of women will have an affair within the first year of marriage. Wow, think about that. 20% of men and 15% of women will have an affair within the first year of marriage, which means 35% of marriages will suffer infidelity, right out of the gate, right out of the gate. So in other words, we just got married, supposed to be our honeymoon phase, we’re excited, it’s going good. And then all of a sudden, within a year 35% of marriages experience an extramarital affair. And there are some studies that actually get that number closer to 50%. So can you imagine that that’s the way marriage starts. And then where do you go from there? And so these are all the stats that come out. And what I’m doing today, and what my greatest desire in my heart is, is that I want to help you beat these debts, whether it’s your first year of marriage, whether you’re just engaged, whether you’re not even engaged yet, I want to help you beat these debts. Maybe you’ve been married for five years, or 10 years or 20 years. I want you to build an affair proof marriage and unstoppable marriage that continues on for a lifetime. And that you’d be able to get to the end of your life with that spouse and say we did it. Not only did we stay together, but we’re in love. We love each other. We love God we love our family. And we built a life for ourselves. So I’m going to give you eight things to do to help you build an affair proof marriage a things Okay, so if you’re attracting with me the first thing We do is that in, you write this down. If you’re taking notes, we want to renew your commitment to your spouse, renew your commitment to your spouse. And I cannot overstate how important this is that when you renew your covenant, you renew your commitment. Remember, when we took those wedding vows, it’s until death do us part. And so we’re saying, look in tough times, and good times, it doesn’t matter, I’m gonna stay committed to the person that I have given my life to that I’ve made a covenant with. Now, I will tell you there are there are moments in life where you may not spend the rest of your life with a spouse. And those are extreme moments, maybe you’re in an abusive relationship. And it’s a physical abuse, verbal abuse, I’m not telling you to stick out an unhealthy, threatening environment, that’s where you need to talk to a counselor. So I’m talking about general marriages that are that are normal, healthy, not normal, none of them are normal. But the fact that it’s a healthy marriage, what we’re gonna do is we’re going to renew our commitment, I’m willing to stay with you. Happiness is not something that I have to have to renew this commitment, it’s covenant that I choose to be in covenant, because happiness is a feeling love is a is a choice, not a feeling. And so there’s moments where you’re gonna feel in love and moments when you’re not. But the truth is, we’ve got to renew our commitment to stay in covenant. And to be willing, I want you to hear this be willing to be unhappy until you work it out. Yeah, sometimes you just gotta be unhappy while you’re working it out, while you’re trying to go deeper, while you’re trying to uncover what it is that is being brought to the surface that’s brought some division or strife or frustration in the relationship. But I’m committed to you look them in the eyes, I’m committed to you for the rest of my life, I’m

not going anywhere, there is more at stake than just an emotion or a feeling. Look, when you’re fighting for your marriage, you’re fighting for destiny. It’s not just your destiny, it’s your kid’s destiny, you’re fighting for legacy. And sometimes in a moment of anger and a moment of frustration, maybe a season of frustration, we could let the commitment go because we’re focused on ourselves. But I want to draw back to the covenant that we entered into and say we’re gonna stay committed 100% committed to this relationship. Second thing, we’re going to invest in your spouse, let me say it again. So not only am I renewing my commitment, now I’m going to invest in my spouse, it’s not about just staying together, I’m going to make an intentional investment in my spouse, to help them get their needs met. If you’re your husband or your wife, they need quality time, I’m going to commit to invest quality time, maybe it’s words of affirmation, maybe it’s gifts, maybe it’s acts of service, whatever it is, I choose to invest, not just tolerate, I think a lot of marriages tolerate each other. I don’t want to tolerate my spouse, I want to invest in my spouse, I want to make sure that I give them what they need. First Corinthians chapter seven, verse three says, Let the husband render to his wife, the affection do to her, and likewise, also the wife to her husband. So find out what are my husband’s needs, what are my wife’s needs, and then I’m going to invest in meeting those needs, not just talk about meeting them, but I’m going to meet them, I’m going to do everything I can to help them experience what their need is so that they know that I love them, and that they’re loved. And they don’t have to look somewhere else to get their needs met, but to actually get their needs met from me the person that they are in covenant with. Third thing is we want to maintain healthy relationships, want to maintain healthy relationships? So most affairs, and I told you this earlier happen between personal friends or work associates, and what we want to do is we’re going to say, look, we’re going to make sure that we have healthy relationships. In fact, I found one stat that said, 60% of affairs, start with close friends and co workers. Well, what happened? They didn’t have a healthy relationship. Yeah, they were spending time together. But when you’re married, you have to live differently than you would if you were single, or otherwise. So in other words, don’t spend time with person of the opposite sex, the person that you’re attracted to, or could be attracted to outside of your marriage. I’m not going to spend alone time with them. I’m going to have healthy boundaries. I’m not going to have phone conversations with them. I’m not going to talk about my marriage to them. I know that they care. I know they asked me about my spouse, but be real careful. And especially ladies, be careful when the guy says hey, how’s everything going and then empathizes with you, whenever you share? Well, my marriage is tough right now. I would never reveal that to someone of the opposite gender. I would never talk about my marriage if I was struggling to someone that might be a predator someone that could attract me away from the person I’m in covenant with and so I don’t drive it. Here’s A couple of things that I do personally, I’m never alone with someone, a woman in my office or anywhere. If there’s a lady in the office doors are open, anybody can walk by if I’m having a meeting, I never drive in a car with someone of the opposite sex by myself, I always drive in groups. I don’t eat lunch on lunch dates with people that are of the opposite sex by by myself. I’m always guarding what I say, I don’t give out a lot of compliments. To ladies, I don’t tell some lady, Hey, you look nice today, or tell him some flattering compliment, be real careful about giving compliments to people that are not your spouse, those compliments should go to your spouse. Why? Because I’m gonna build a healthy relationship. I don’t want to be drawn out of my marriage. And I don’t want to draw someone else out of a covenant relationship that they have, as well. I

remember when before I got married. I’ve always been really close to my sister. And so she was the one that she practically raised me. And when I say that is, you know, she picked me up from school, she helped us with our homework, my parents worked a lot. And so I always had close girl relationships just kind of bled over into all my relationships. Most of my best friends were just girls, we just hung out. And yet, when I found myself married, it was a very interesting dynamic to now realize, Hey, I am married, I can have close friends that are girls, you got to have girlfriends that are close. Why? Because it’s inappropriate. When you’re married, the closest person I can have that’s a female, that’s, that’s gonna be my wife. And so we had to sever off and I had to personally cut off ties with with other women or girls that I grew up with that were very, very close to me, nonsexual just friends. Because I had to focus on the one that mattered the most. And so it’s important, whether you are girl and you’ve got lots of guy friends, and you’re married, you might want to consider that say, Hey, I need to cut off some of these relationships or all of them. Why? Because you’re going to build a healthy life giving marriage, that is a fair proof. And I’m just telling you, that it’s easy to get drawn out of your marriage. When you’re walking through a valley when you’re walking through a tough time, you find someone says the right thing does the right thing to pull you out of the marriage at the right time. It’s just the way the enemy works. And so we’re going to maintain healthy boundaries and healthy relationships, we are not going to allow ourselves to be pulled out of the covenant relationship that we’re in. That’s number three. Number four. Here we go. Number four, it leads into what I just said. Don’t flirt, ever. That’s right. Let me say it again. Don’t flirt. Ever. I know it sounds simple. But in a hyper sexualized culture flirting is normal flirting is acceptable. And the fact of the matter is, the more you flirt, the more susceptible you are to having something start off innocent but end up in an all out affair. And so we just make a commitment. I’m not gonna flirt. The only person I’m flirting with is my wife. I’m not gonna do it. I love Proverbs, chapter six, verse 27. It says, Can a man scoop fire into his lap without his clothes being burned? Can man walk on hot coals without feet being scorched? So is he who sleeps with another man’s wife, no one who touches her will ever go unpunished. And look, you just got to be careful when you’re flirting with someone who’s not your spouse. That’s dangerous. You’re playing with fire and we know when you play with fire, you’re going to end up getting burned. Look, don’t go fishing for compliments either from someone other than your spouse. The only place you ought to get compliments is for your husband, from your wife. And so make sure that you’re not fishing for compliments that you don’t allow yourself to create environments where people are just constantly complimenting you and making you feel good if you have to have people compliment you to make you feel good. We’ve got another issue that we need to deal with. There’s a heart issue there’s a there’s an issue of your being valued apart from what others say or think about you. And there’s a value issue that we want to deal with. So we’re gonna protect our marriage. We’re not going fishing for compliments. We’re not flirting with people we’re not look avoid prolong stares, like don’t be looking at people that aren’t your spouse for long amounts. Avoid a lingering touch somebody walks by and they touch it kind of feels good some I touched your shoulders or just don’t do that. Say no, we’re not we’re not gonna do it. We’re gonna draw healthy boundaries and build an affair proof marriage that is unstoppable. First Corinthians chapter 13 Verse 11, says when I was a child, I spoke like a child. I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child, but when I became a man, I gave up childish ways. Look, little boys flirt. Little girls flirt. Men don’t flirt. Unless it’s with your spouse. Women. We don’t flirt unless it’s with our spouse. So build a habit that is not flirtatious with other people that are not your spouse, if it’s your spouse, hey, look, go and flirt all day all night since we text make phone calls.

I mean, do that. That’s, that’s what the beauty of marriage is, is that you can do all of those things in your marriage. Someone said, Well, you know, I’m gonna go over there, the grass is greener, you know, if they flirt with me, and I flirt with them, my wife and I never, but none of the grass is not greener. On the other side, the grass is greener where you water it. So cultivate a fun, nurturing relationship where you flirt with each other. And here’s what I here’s a great rule of thumb. This is what I would say, What how do I know if it’s flirting? What should I say? What should I say? I’m not gonna get into all that. But here’s the rule of thumb. Don’t say or do anything to someone of the opposite sex that you wouldn’t say? Or do if your spouse was standing or sitting right there. Think about it. If your husband or your wife were standing or sitting right there, would you say what you just said to that person? And if the answer is no, then you shouldn’t do it. If you if the answer is yes, great, do it. Clearly that’s not flirting. But if the answer’s no, and that’s just the litmus test that I live my life by. So be real careful. We don’t flirt ever. The fifth thing is, we want to listen to our spouse, listen to your spouse, I can’t overstate how important this is, and and understand. If you’re in a relationship, and you feel like well, they’re controlling, they think everybody’s flirting with them. You just can’t write that off. I think especially as you get married, and you learn the rhythm of covenant and relationship, you realize there were a lot more people flirting with you than you thought and your spouse is so good about picking up on that so much more than us. And I think it’s easy to even deny it just because a lot of times as a husband or wife, you can say, well, now I’m not that pretty, or I’m not that good to look in or they were flirting with me. But Jeremiah 17 Nine says The heart is deceitful above all things. And beyond cure, who can understand it. And so I always just go back to I might not have recognized it. But if if Phyllis thought she was flirting with me, I’m going to take a step back, I’m going to realize that’s a warning from God, I’m going to realize that hey, right now, this is a warning, my spouse has given me a warning. And I’m going to protect this marriage. And I’m going to listen to my spouse. And I’m going to trust her word that she sees something I don’t see she hears something that I don’t hear. And we have just made a commitment that if we don’t feel comfortable about someone who’s around each one of us, that we tell each other and we have the permission to say something, if we see something or feel something. And so just make sure you’re listening to your spouse. If you see if you see it, say it if you feel it say like just be aware that it sometimes that’s the Holy Spirit that will quicken you and say, hey, something’s not right in this situation. And just trust your spouse and listen to them. The sixth thing to build an unstoppable marriage, an affair proof marriage is to tell on the other person. That’s right, tell them the other person. Now. Let me explain. Tell on another person, when you feel like they’re hitting on you and your spouse is not there. Like in other words, you go to a store, and you’re checking out at the grocery counter and someone starts flirting with you. And it feels good. It’s nice. And you know, no, nothing will ever happen. But it was nice. It was fun when you could tell like Phyllis and I we have we have this commitment. We just tell on the other person. Hey, baby, I was at the grocery store. And this lady was really nice to I think she was flirting with me. And what that does is that number one allows her to realize that I’m aware when girls are flirting with me. And number two, it builds trust and security in the fact that I’m gonna tell her so that she doesn’t have to be threatened and and so many times we laugh about it and it’s like she flirting and, and but but what it does is it protects our marriage. Maybe it’s a relationship at work, and you work closely with someone of the opposite gender, they’re married, you’re married. But now you feel like something was said or done. That was inappropriate. It’s crossed the line. Tell on that person to your spouse. Make sure they know say hey, look, I’m telling you something felt off and I just want to hold I want you to hold me accountable. We’re going to talk about it. Expose, bring to light, what could be swept under the rug or hidden in darkness. And I’m telling you it will protect your marriage. It will help you build an affair proof marriage. The seventh thing that you want to do is you want to guard your thoughts. Having an affair is a process.

Let me say that again. When someone has an affair. It’s a process. It didn’t just go from one moment we’re not to the next moment. We are. It was hundreds and 1000s of thoughts It’s interactions moments, segments of time. They never just happen in a moment. They rarely do now when drugs or alcohol sometimes, but just a normal, it’s like there was this thought, Wow, man, that was nice. And man, I’d like to go back around them and Boy, they sure complimented me and they seem to care and they’re so sincere. And man, I wish my husband would do that man, I wish my wife would say that man I wish and then you begin to have these thoughts. What you know is that a thought life leads to a physical life. So if I’m thinking thoughts, I’m gonna end up acting out those thoughts. Proverbs talks about guarding your heart, guarding your mind. Why? Because out of it flows the wellspring of life that I’m going to guard my thoughts. Proverbs 23. Seven says for as he thinks in his heart, so is that as you think that’s what you are. Some of you you hadn’t had an affair emotionally, you haven’t had an affair physically, but you’ve been having an affair in your mind. Maybe it’s the books you read, or the movies you watch, or the whatever it is, you’ve got to say, no, no, no, no, I’m going to affair prove my marriage. And I am not going to allow my thoughts to think any thought that they want, I’m going to guard my thoughts, I’m going to make sure that my thoughts are godly that they protect, you know, when Phyllis and I have some arguments or frustrations, I immediately try to go right back and say I love her. She is so kind. She is so generous. She loves me, she cares about me. So instead of dwelling on thoughts that are negative, or thinking about someone from the past, it’s no, I’m not going to do it. I’m going to protect and guard my marriage, by guarding and protecting my thoughts. And then the last thing to affair proof your marriage. And this the last thing I just want to bring up, you can affair proof your marriage by magnifying the consequences, magnifying the consequences. So a lot of times when you have an affair, almost nine out of 10 people that I’ve ever talked to, they never thought about the consequences of the affair. They were thinking and feeling in the moment it was about now it was about self gratification. It was all about them in the moment. And so when you begin to magnify the consequences, because there will be consequences, you will eventually get caught. Listen, the what you try to hide in the darkness will eventually get exposed. And so a magnify the consequence of you getting caught your husband or your wife finds out you had an affair, how devastating that is? What does that conversation look like imagine yourself sitting next to them and telling them I had an affair. I love you with all of my heart. But I, I did this. And I said this and you’re talking through the consequence of the affair. Think about your kids. Many of you are listening, you’ve got kids think about what would happen, how your children will respond and react to the news of you having an affair. Think about having to tell them thinking about having to sit them down and say mom and dad, we love each other. But I was not faithful. Imagine the consequences. And what would happen and how devastating that is, some of you would lose your job, you would lose positions in ministry, some of you are in building your own business, some of you would lose that because your spouse is your partner. So when you begin to magnify the consequences, what you realize is this moment of weakness is not worth a lifetime of pain. Now again, if you’re having a bad marriage, and it’s rough, and you see no end in sight, here’s what I want you to do. Go to counseling, first, get six months to work on your counselor or your marriage together. And then together with the marriage counselor, you decide. But realize, look, we’ll work on this before we just exploded, like we’re going to work hard and what I have found. Most people they can work through these issues and challenges, because they’ve got a third party person in there helping them see what they can’t see. And what I’m not going to do is explode my marriage and have to live out these negative consequences for the rest of my life. Listen to the person you’re married to you love them with all your heart, you want to marry them. So you will fight for this relationship. Imagine not spending the rest of life when you imagine all the consequences and you walk that out and you feel and internalize that. I can’t tell you how much of an affair deterrent that can be. And so I want to encourage you to do that. Maybe you’re on the edge right now.

And you’re teetering. Nothing’s happened yet, but you’re on the edge before you do anything. Would you just magnify the consequences? Think about it have the conversation. Like I bet it would change your posture and you would realize it and here’s what I found. Most of the time, the affairs never even last. That person didn’t really care about you. It was lust not love. And now you live in the ruin of a devastated marriage which I believe thank God for the grace of God. Your life can be rebuilt your marriage can be rebuilt, but why go through it? Let’s affair proof of our marriages, so that we last till the very end. And so I hope this helps you today. I want to encourage you that wherever you’re at in life, would you focus on your marriage that today we’re building a healthy life giving marriage, we’re focused on it, we’re going to have an affair proof marriage, we’re going to renew our commitment, we’re going to maintain healthy relationships, we’re going to invest in our spouse, we’re never going to flirt with anybody other than our spouse, we’re going to listen to our spouse, we’re going to tell on the other person, we’re going to guard our thoughts, and we’re going to magnify the consequences. And I want to lead you to a great resource that I’ve read many times, it’s a book called his needs her needs by Willard Harley. It’s a great book, it’ll be in the show notes for a link if you’d like to read that as a great resource that will help you, I believe, build a healthy life giving marriage and to meet the needs of your spouse. Now, if you’re feeling stuck, maybe it’s just in life in general, we have a free resource for you. It’s on the website, Jimnkyles.com It’s a free ebook. You just go download. I think it’s about 12 13 pages. And it’ll help you diagnose a couple of reasons why you might be stuck. just in life in general, go download it, let it be our gift to you. And then we’d love to just help you keep moving your life forward. And we always just say one step at a time. Thanks for spending today with me. If you’d post a post or review, that’d be great. share this podcast with a friend. We’d love that. And I can’t wait to be back with you next week. Next week, we’re gonna be talking about living a life without regret. I hope you enjoyed today. God bless